The definitive guide to being a Major League Baseball pitcher
Whether you’re a pitcher who wants to make it to the big leagues, an avid fan or just looking for a good laugh, I’ve put together a little guide to help you make it through your day or career. Pitchers have their quirks, and we all know them when we see them. So, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did putting it together.
Grow facial hair of some sort … you’ll stand out and look mean … or creepy.
When things go bad, blame it on the ball … after all it is its fault.
When the ball isn’t nearby, touch the face, preferably the forehead. Do so to show disgust, exhaustion and that you’re working hard.
Look at the ground, pray a bit, kick the dirt and feel ashamed.
Know how to act when everything is going wrong, and you’re probably getting demoted or benched.
Perhaps, tip your cap in respect to the player who just homered off of you.
After a home run, you can pose with your hand on your hip while starring down the hitter.
Wipe your face with your jersey, hide your face or smell your jersey after giving up the long ball.
When all else fails … freak out a bit. Throw a glove or storm angrily to the dugout.
Say a prayer that all goes well … or after giving up a home run, take a dump on the mound.
Yell at the ump … because, after all … it’s his fault.
If you are backed into a corner or have tried everything above …
If you want to be a closer or look cool, you’ll need a good celebration dance or mean gorilla imitation.
You’ll know you’re successful when Albert Pujols dances with you.
… and if you ever do find success, just remember … there’s no crying in baseball!