Breaking Balls: My New Year’s Resolutions
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Happy New Year to all of you who read my column – the casual readers, those lured here by Google searches and even the creepy ex-girlfriends who are just checking in to see how I’m doing, but it’s not a big deal because you are totally over me and you’re totally okay with me moving on without you.
Last year was a doozie for me; 2012 made 2011 look like 2010. This column and my other weekly column, The Hot Corner, have continued to grow in popularity and readership regardless of how inane their content is. I won my first few professional awards last year. No, obviously not for my baseball writing, but thanks for being so quick to point that out.
[Warning! Shameless plug!] The awards were for my humorous political documentary feature film Fools on the Hill. Yes, “humorous.” Yes, “political.” Yes, “documentary.” … And you thought I was just some slacker who rambled on about baseball and the Real Housewives.
And it just so happens that my award-winning movie is just now available on iTunes. So, you can go buy it or rent it to learn about the United States’ governmental silliness in a way that I guarantee will entertain and inform you. Just to be clear, when I say “guarantee,” I’m not really talking about reimbursing money, but I do have some signed Ed Begley, Jr. headshots I could give you. [End shameless plug]
Okay, back to baseball and the Real Housewives. Last year, I started things off with a New Year’s Resolution column that was quite fun and, more importantly, very easy to write. Columns with lists don’t require complex throughlines, so I can just blurt out random jibberish and nobody really knows the difference.
To be clear, my resolutions are actually about what other people should do differently and not at all about how I could become a “better person” or “nice” or “tolerant of others in even the slightest way.” And before we look forward to 2013, I think it’ll be fun to look back and see how some of last year’s resolutions worked out. Or didn’t.
Ryan Braun – Be a little more careful
After winning an almost-deserved MVP Award in 2011, Ryan had a positive drug test. Then there were the herpes rumors. Then there was the loophole that negated the positive test. He had an outstanding year and passed all his drug tests – though his (alleged) herpes are forever (unallegedly). Accomplished!
All professional athletes – Stay away from Kim Kardashian
Nice job, professional athletes. You kept away just long enough for Kanye West to get interested. But if you feel you’ve missed out, don’t fret. There are plenty of other women out there who have literally never done anything productive in their lives and are still available. Accomplished!
Carl Crawford – Don’t be worse than last year
I sarcastically joked that he couldn’t be any worse. Boom! I couldn’t have been more wrong. He was even worser. But now he’s on the Dodgers, and I think we’ve all sort of forgotten that he exists. Failed!
Derek Jeter – Put a ring on it
Oh, boy. I thought when he and Minka got back together that they were going to work it all out. But that was probably just a publicity stunt for some TV show she was on or something. Derek has a new sweetheart, but he should know that if he wants to settle down, he could have any Yankee fan … and the women, too. Failed!
Lindsay Lohan – Slow it down
She is continuing her living art interpretation of an out-of-control train. And she is quite possibly setting the new gold standard for disappointment. Hard to believe that’s even possible in a world where there are so many Kardashians, Real Housewives and Jersey Shore-ists. Failed!
Frank McCourt – Go away
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