Playing six degrees of Lindsay Lohan Dodgers separation
This is an historic column for me and Through The Fence Baseball!
In case you’re keeping track at home, it’s not a significant column as far as a magical number like my one millionth contribution to TTFB. It’s also not my anniversary where I’m expecting a cake in the shape of the Arizona Diamondbacks’ right-field swimming pool with Dodger Blue frosting.
This is a column I never thought I’d write. If you ever told me that I would write a story for TTFB that centered around Lindsay Lohan, I would have told you that the Pittsburgh Pirates will sooner make the playoffs before that happened.
Wait, the Pirates did make the playoffs last season, didn’t they? Well, now I’m all confused!
Back on task here … this Los Angeles Dodgers article is based on Ms. Herbie Love Bug Fully Loaded Lindsay Lohan … except it’s more like the “Fully Loaded” Lindsay and not the “Herbie Love Bug” version.
Lindsay is an equal opportunity offender. She has abused drugs, broken laws and has generally made a big jerk of herself on as many fronts as possible. That’s why, when the Los Angeles Dodgers signed former Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez, I knew the Lindsay Lohan ship had finally sailed into my writing port!
If Lindsay could throw a 98-mph heater, she would be named Chris Perez. Granted, Perez hasn’t mucked up his future quite to the extent of Ms. Lohan, but he gave it the old college try last season when he and his wife had some marijuana delivered to his house in his dog’s name.
Chris and his wife were probably sitting around the crib thinking, “Hey, why don’t we have some pizza delivered?” Then it might have turned into, “Well, the Indians are … well, the Indians. There’s nothing to do in Cleveland. Hey, I know what! Let’s order some marijuana!”
Chris Perez is a big dummy, but he has that blistering fastball and sick slider, which is why the Dodgers are giving him another chance. Likewise, Lindsay Lohan is a big dummy, but she has … ummm, two things in common with Kate Upton … which is why she keeps getting acting re-do’s.
So, while we wait for the Dodgers to surprise no one and make a play for Japanese free agent pitcher Masahiro Tanaka, I started wondering about other Los Angeles Dodgers who were not exactly Eagle Scouts, much like Chris Perez.
What about an All-Stir Team of tragic Dodgers? Introducing the “Lindsay Lohan Dodger Dopes” (not necessarily in order of lack of judgment):
• Steve Howe, pitcher – After winning the Rookie of the Year award for the Dodgers in 1980, the sky seemed to be the limit for the flame-throwing lefty reliever. Howe saved the deciding game of the 1981 World Series for the Dodgers, then got suspended like a yo-yo by MLB for drug and alcohol problems. Things got so bad for Howe that he got banned from baseball for life in 1992 and finally died in an auto accident in 2006 after being found with drugs in his system.
• Darryl Strawberry, outfielder – Although Strawberry is more famous as a New York Met and New York Yankee, he signed a $22.5 million contract with the Dodgers in 1990. How can a player who led two different teams to a total of four World Series titles be on this team? Meet Mr. Strawberry! Darryl was arrested in 1999 for soliciting sex. He followed that up by being arrested in 2000 for driving while on drugs and slamming into another car. Also in 2000, Strawberry left a drug-treatment facility to use drugs and was arrested again. Two more arrests continued to pad Strawberry’s resume, and he will forever be remembered as one of the most talented hitters in the game who also battled countless demons. Strawberry has supposedly dedicated his life to God, so at least his story may have a happy ending.
• Steve Garvey, first base – Garvey was my favorite player on the planet when I was a kid. To this day, my favorite number is six, because that’s what was emblazoned on the back of Garvey’s Dodgers jersey. Garvey had it all: Popeye forearms (Google Garvey’s forearms … you’ll see!), a chiseled chin, a great head of hair, a sweet swing, a sick glove … and evidently a passion for women! Once called “Mr. Clean,” Garvey should probably be called “Mr. Mirky.” Garvey had an affair on his first wife and that marriage ended in divorce in 1983. After that, Garvey impregnated his girlfriend, but claimed that she tricked him into doing so. While Garvey’s girlfriend was pregnant, he declared himself a free agent and proposed to another woman. While still engaged to that woman, Garvey informed her by phone in the middle of the night that he was in love with another woman and he was breaking off the engagement (while she was pregnant). Fortunately for Garvey and this newest girlfriend, they have been married since 1989, so I guess the 12th time is the charm!
• Milton Bradley, outfielder – Kudos to Milton’s parents for that clever name! Almost as good as Coco Crisp, but not quite. Although he only played in MLB for 11 years, Bradley spent time on eight different teams … for a reason! The guy had Darryl Strawberry-like athletic talent and a Lindsay Lohan-like head! Bradley gave the baseball world a foreshadowing of his future when he was suspended in the minor leagues in 1998 for fighting. In 2003, Bradley was arrested for speeding and fleeing a police officer and then suspended by his new manager in 2004 with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Later that same season, Bradley was again suspended by Dodgers manager Jim Tracy for throwing a bottle at a fan in the stands. In 2007, Bradley went ballistic after a call by an umpire and ended up tearing his knee ligament while being restrained by San Diego Padres manager Bud Black. Bradley continued his anger tirades with the Chicago Cubs in 2009 and was suspended two different times by the team. Since retiring from baseball, Bradley has made Lohan proud by being arrested in 2011 for making criminal threats against his wife and again in 2013 for physically attacking her.