MLB awards you won’t see anywhere else
The All-Star break is almost upon us, summer is in full swing and the Los Angeles Dodgers stink worse than week-old trash.
I would love to write a column about the Dodgers, but there’s not much to write about. The losses keep piling up, our ownership situation is the embarrassment of Major League Baseball and Juan Uribe’s gut continues to rival Jonathan Broxton’s.
That being said, there still are some very interesting things happening in MLB this season. Since we’ve almost reached the halfway point in the season, it’s time for some midsummer awards.
These awards aren’t the traditional ones such as the MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year, etc. These awards are ones that only a bored and bitter Dodgers fan could come up with in the middle of a season where the only excitement is wondering whether my team is going to reach 100 losses.
Best Porn Star Facial Hair Award – Brendan Ryan, Seattle Mariners. Ryan isn’t a relevant player for the Mariners … well, come to think of it, who is besides King Felix, Michael Pineda and Ichiro? But, what Ryan lacks in on-the-field talent, he more than makes up for in cheesy 1970s-style facial hair. Ryan’s mustache would bring a respectful tear to Ron Jeremy’s eyes. You keep on growing your ‘stache, Brendan. You may be meaningless in the box score, but you’re the No. 1 adult entertainment wannabe in MLB.
Cocoon Award – Darren Oliver, Texas Rangers. You remember the movie “Cocoon,” right? It was where old people became young again by being controlled by aliens. Oliver wins the Cocoon Award by being older than some MLB managers, but still posting a 2.59 ERA this season. Official stats show Oliver as being “only” 40 years old, but he’s been around forever. Oliver is just another reason I’m forcing my youngest son to do everything left-handed, whether he likes it or not. I want to get on that lefty reliever gravy train and have my son make $5 million a year to pitch to one batter a game twice a week. Rumor has it that Jesse Orosco is pondering a comeback.
Don Zimmer Bursting Bald Head Award – Mike Quade, Chicago Cubs. Old Don Zimmer, rest his poor soul … wait a second … he’s still alive? How has his overworked heart lasted this long? When Zimmer wasn’t trying to tackle Pedro Martinez on the mound, he was trying to let the air pressure out of his fat head. Zimmer’s bald dome always looked like it was about to explode with fatness. MLB fans can rest easy as Zimmer’s no longer roaming the field. Quade, the manager of the Chicago Cubs, has a head that looks like an overstuffed pumpkin. Quade appears to be just one tirade away from a fat head explosion.
Benedict Arnold Traitor Award – Fernando Valenzuela. I would have sooner believed that TV infomercial legend Billy Mays sported a fake beard before this. Fernando Valenzuela, one of the most iconic pitchers in Los Angeles Dodgers history, wearing California/Anaheim (not Los Angeles!) Angels red and throwing out the first pitch at their home game July 1? Valenzuela was all smiles while throwing the ceremonial pitch to Angels manager Mike Scioscia. Note to Fernando: You played a total of two games and pitched a total of 6 2/3 innings for the California Angels back in 1991. You played 11 seasons for the Los Angeles Dodgers and you are a permanent part of Dodgers lore. You do not, I repeat “DO NOT” wear Angels red and act like an Anaheim homer throwing out a pitch at Angel Stadium of Anaheim. Notice that the official name of the Angels’ stadium isn’t “Los Angeles,” but Anaheim … but that’s a whole different story.