New Year’s Resolutions for 2012
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Happy New Year to all of you who read my column – the casual readers, the enthusiastic borderline cyber-stalkers and even the guys who just wound up here from Google because I typed “Justin Bieber STD scare” just now.
2011 was a heck of a year for me. But I’m not going to sit here and brag about all my successes because I know some of you out there had that really horrible thing happen at that place with that person this year – and it would just be rude of me to go around bragging about all the cool things from the last year.
To wrap things up for the year, some people like to do year-end lists. And I was going to do one of those, too, and it was going to be hilarious and awesome and also make you think a little about yourself and where you’re going in life. But I decided that it wouldn’t be such a good idea because I would probably be just too insightful and cause you to question everything that you do in every aspect of your life. [Editor’s note: Jed, are you sure you didn’t skip that idea because you put it off for too long and the year actually ended and you realized nobody really cares about a year-end list once the new year starts?] [Note to editor: Screw you, man.]
So, anyway, what I decided to do is take a look forward to the next year like most people do – I originally typed “moist” there, “moist people” – I don’t know what that would mean, but if it means what I hope it means, then I assume that moist people look forward to the next year even more so than the rest of us.
I know the headline said these are New Year’s resolutions, but these are going to be more about what other people can do to make themselves better. Resolutions are supposed to be more of a personal thing, but what the heck am I going to resolve to do? Be a nicer person? Offend people less? Comply with restraining orders? I think we all know none of that is going to happen this year.
But, I do have a few ideas of things other people can do to make themselves better and, more importantly, make me happy. And as the old saying goes: It is better to give advice than to receive it.
Ryan Braun – Be a little more careful.
Ryan, you are one of the league’s best hitters and you almost deserved the Most Valuable Player Award you got this year. However, this failed drug test is troubling. The rumors are flying that you were super-juiced or that you had a false positive due to some herpes medication. Either one of these shows you are just being too careless with either what you’re putting in your body or what you’re putting your body into. Let’s get it together, pal.
All professional athletes – Stay away from Kim Kardashian.
Athletes, I want to nip this in the bud. I know that dating is difficult, and with all of your newfound wealth, it’s hard to know which girls just want you for your money or your fame and so you have to look out for the red flags that warn you that a particular one might not be genuine. Just remember that if you see a girl at a party or other miscellaneous event and you think she’s hot and she’s checking you out and you think there might be some chemistry, if she utters the four words that are the reddest of all the red flags, “Hi, I’m Kim Kardashian,” use all of your God-given athletic talent to get out of there.
Carl Crawford – Don’t be worse than last year.
Ha! Ha! Just kidding. He couldn’t possibly be any worse than he was last year. Sometimes when a player gets a huge contract, his statistics will go down a little and by the end of it, the team that signed him regrets having made such a lucrative deal. And sometimes this regret even happens after the first year. The Red Sox regret started after about three weeks of Hot Carl’s 2011 performance. But, Jed, why are you calling him “Hot Carl” when he was very clearly cold all year? Oh, trust me, reader, people who know what a Hot Carl is know exactly why I am calling him Hot Carl. If you don’t know, Google it and you’ll see how right I am.
Derek Jeter – Put a ring on it.
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