MLB Trade Deadline: The Baldwin Scale 3 – The Squeakuel
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While most of the country was busy on Wednesday celebrating National Orgasm Day, baseball fans were focused on the Major League Baseball trade deadline. It’s quite fitting since focusing on baseball is a common way for men to delay unwanted, premature … um … finishing.
The trade flurry that usually explodes right before the deadline was absent this year, leaving most baseball fans somewhat unsatisfied at what turned out to be an unhappy ending.
Many teams didn’t really do anything – just lying there, lifeless, waiting for it to all be over. The day wasn’t completely wasted as many teams did make some decisive moves that their fans found very pleasing.
Maybe the league’s general managers just felt too much pressure or maybe they were nervous. These things happen when it comes to decisions about whether you are in or out of the playoff race.
Since we can’t really know how all these trades will work out for months and, in some cases, even years, any grading now will be somewhat arbitrary. There’s also the possibility that teams will make moves in August that help them finish with a strong burst.
Some of you who have been reading my jibber-jabber for a while might remember a few years ago when I was faced with the problem of how best to arbitrarily grade each team’s performance at the trade deadline. I was equal to the task and concocted a grading system jam-packed with arbitrariness that would do the job.
The Baldwin Scale™.
The Baldwin Brothers – Alec, Daniel, Billy and Stephen – are as beloved a group of brothers as has ever existed. These four brothers, whose successes and failures have been entertaining us all for decades, each have differences in politics, religion and vegetarianism, as well as varying levels of talent, handsomeness and craziness. And it is from these differences that I derive the Baldwin Scale™.
Alec – The most successful of the brothers Baldwin. Sure, he’s not perfect. He’s getting less and less discerning about what roles he should be playing, and he seems to be one of those people who just don’t understand how technology works and how it can be used to make you look terrible in the media. Of all the Baldwins, he’s the one you want to be – especially if you’re into marrying super-hot, young yoga instructors.
Billy – The busiest of the brothers Baldwin. By the time you finish reading this column, he will have started and finished filming two movies. You may not ever see his movies, but there are whole generations of Filipino and Malaysian children that are huge fans of his work. And why shouldn’t they be? He’s still got that handsomey handsomeness that makes Supreme Court Justices overturn California’s Prop 8.
Stephen – The most disappointing of the brothers Baldwin. He exploded onto the scene in The Usual Suspects and then imploded just as quickly. He’s actually been making a lot of movies lately. If you don’t believe me, just check the $1 bin at your local gas station. Sure, he’s not lived up to his potential, but at least he’s not …
Daniel – The most disastrous of the brothers Baldwin. This article also serves as my annual “Is Daniel Baldwin still alive” Google search. Yes, he is. I can only vaguely remember seeing anything he’s done, but truthfully I might just be thinking of Alec. But, he has worked, and if you came to Hollywood wanting to be an actor and wound up with his resume, you’d be considered a moderate success. But his off-camera shenanigans are significantly less desirable.
While grading the teams, as is the tradition, I’m not going to name each team’s general managers because no one cares. However, we all know the team names, so let’s just stick with that. If you feel you must know who the general managers (hereafter referred to as “GM”) are, then you can do your own Google search and find out. And if you think I should know who the general managers are and that it’s shabby writing to leave these kinds of details out, then you probably don’t like my writing and haven’t read this far anyway.
As before, let’s start with the bottom of the barrel, because I like ending on a high note. Without further ado, here are the Trade Deadline Baldwins™:
The Daniels – Like Daniel himself, these teams disappointed me and pretty much everyone else in many various ways.
Pirates: The last couple years I have applauded Pittsburgh’s restraint at the deadline – Ben Roethlisberger could learn from them. But this year the Pirates have one of the best records in baseball, and it seems like they have the kind of team that won’t collapse in a fiery inferno like last season. It’s time to make a move with all those young players you’ve been saving. Also, I think if they had made a move, the Cardinals and Reds would have also made moves. Thanks for ruining Christmas, Pirates.
Phillies: The GM for this team just hasn’t been the same since the Astros fired their GM, who was really just a Phillies employee in disguise, shipping quality players off to Philadelphia for pennies on the dollar. The captain of this Titanic seems to have no idea they’ve hit an iceberg and thinks the water swirling at his feet is condensation from his ice cold Coke.
Marlins: This team’s owner should be Frank McCourt’ed by the league, but instead just gets to run amok – probably because no one really cares in Miami (or cares about Miami). Stop dumping quality players like Ricky Nolasco for salary relief. If money’s a problem, you could just lie to the city of Miami to get them to give you hundreds of millions – oh, wait, you already did that.
Mariners, Padres and Twins: Maybe I’m cranky because of the frustration of a the trade deadline and National Orgasm Day both not working out well for me, but these teams have players with no future value to their team that can be traded to playoff contenders. Eat the money for the contracts and get some prospects, because you are eating the money for the contracts anyway.
The Stephens – Some good, some bad, mostly bad. Maybe not quite fire-able, but, yeah, just go ahead and fire them.
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