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The Hot Corner: Opening day, Joey Votto, Jessica Simpson - Through The Fence Baseball

The Hot Corner: Opening day, Joey Votto, Jessica Simpson

by Jed Rigney | Posted on Wednesday, April 4th, 2012
| 817 baseball fanatics read this article


 

The hottest topics for the week of April 1, 2012 …

Eating microphones can make you look heavy. Just like Jessica Simpson.

Opening day! The Mariners and the Athletics kicked off the season with a two-game set in Japan starting at 6 a.m. EDT, a week ahead of the rest of the league – man, I just don’t get these time zones.

More Mariners/Athletics: Oakland GM Billy Beane took the opportunity to scout local players. One thing’s for sure: These Japanese players have a very high wok-rate. Boom! Jokes!

Bailout: The Los Angeles Dodgers sold for a huge $2.15 billion, a bloated amount that’s almost double what was originally expected. Just like Jessica Simpson.

More Dodgers: The new group of owners includes Magic Johnson and former Braves president Stan Kasten – both proved they had what it takes to be a Dodgers owner by immediately beginning messy divorce proceedings.

WTF in Cincinnati: Reds first baseman Joey Votto signed a huge $220 million 10-year contract extension, a bloated amount that they’ll wish had never happened. Just like Jessica Simpson.

Free at last: Florida prosecutors dropped charges against Manny Ramirez because, hellllloooo, it’s Florida. Domestic battery is considered a public display of affection.

Raise for Cain: The Giants signed pitcher Matt Cain to the biggest-ever contract for a right-hander, a bloated amount that’s an annoying, talentless rube who will not go away. Just like Jessica Simpson.

Rocky road: Ubaldo Jimenez got suspended for hitting former teammate Troy Tulowitzki with a pitch. Manager Jim Tracy called it the most gutless thing he’d ever seen. I guess he’s never seen Jim Tracy manage a game.

All apologies: John Lackey apologized for his use of the word “retarded” in describing the criticism Red Sox pitchers got for drinking in the clubhouse. “I meant no harm, and I am sorry to all I offended. It was pretty gay.”

More Lackey: John Lackey’s apology seemed a little forced and disingenuous. But you can’t blame him, he’s kind of retarded.

Old west: The 49-year-old Jamie Moyer made the Rockies starting rotation, which will be a nice way for him to end his career since he was the guy who discovered the state of Colorado in the first place.

More Moyer: Yeah, Moyer isn’t going to make the kind of money the bigger name guys do, but the numbers get a lot closer when you factor in early-bird specials and discount movie tickets.

Extra Innings

We got next: Baylor crushed Notre Dame for the 2012 NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship in what was the highest rated episode of everything else on television.

Movie magic: The movie Titanic is being re-released this week in 3D, 15 years after its original release and thanks to CGI, Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he hasn’t aged a day.

Apple’d: Ashton Kutcher is going to play the late Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. This is going to be the worst episode of Punk’d ever.

Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Justin Workman, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz

Post By Jed Rigney (184 Posts)

Jed Rigney covers general baseball randomness for Through The Fence Baseball. His work has been described as "prolific" (which isn't really a compliment). Despite a series of destructive relationships with uncaring women, he has persevered. He is an Aries and therefore quite courageous. He has never been arrested (though he was once "detained" briefly). And he hopes to one day see Gary Busey actually turn a tornado into a rainbow -- if only just once.

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