Contributor: Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of July 7, 2013 …
Stay at rest: Detroit Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera was asked to participate in the Home Run Derby, but is undecided due the inclusion of the word “Run.”
Balti-less: The Orioles’ Chris Davis got the most All-Star votes and will start the game alongside the undeserving J.J. Hardy and Adam Jones – proving that voter fraud is alive and well in the D.C. area.
Ai carumba! Cuban television aired the first MLB game since 1961. It got better ratings than Everybody Loves Fidel, How I Met Your Marxist-Leninist Mother and Entourage.
Be cool, man: The Dodgers’ Matt Kemp returned to the disabled list Monday, this time because of an irritated joint. The team has called in consulting physician Ricky Williams.
Minor threat: Manny Ramirez signed a minor-league deal with the Rangers. His future with the team really depends on whether he can find his swing – or the phone number for his steroid guy.
Pot and kettle: The Phillies’ Jonathan Papelbon said it would be an “absolute joke” if Yasiel Puig was named to the All-Star team. And then he burst into tears as he realized the irony of his statement.
High and goodbye: Umpire Brian Runge was let go after a drug violation. This all could’ve been avoided if he just didn’t respond to that heckler who asked, “Hey, ump! Are you high?”
The untouchable: Homer Bailey threw a no-hitter against the reeling San Francisco Giants who just haven’t been able to focus since the Supreme Court struck down Prop 8.
Cash for gold: The Dodgers, hoping to improve their team’s pitching, acquired Ricky Nolasco from the Marlins for some mediocre prospects. The one they’re most excited about is named “Not Paying Ricky Nolasco.”
Giant goof: In a game versus the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Giants batted out of order and it cost them a run. See? Focus.
Extra Innings
Patriot blames: Owner Robert Kraft says the Patriots were “duped” by Aaron Hernandez. But given the allegations of how he’s dealt with others, I’d say Hernandez let the team get off light.
Retirement home: The Green Bay Packers want to retire Brett Favre’s No. 4 by 2016. But then they’ll un-retire it later that year, then retire it again and text a picture of its penis to reporters.
Rappers delight: After Dwight Howard chose to sign with the Houston Rockets, Ice Cube referred to him as “Dwight Coward” and said that “we don’t need no bitches on our team” – harsh words from the hardcore NWA rapper and star of the delightful Are We There Yet?
Technically speaking: Rasheed Wallace is set to join the Pistons coaching staff and they’ve already decided that in team meetings he’ll speak first because he’ll probably get ejected before it’s over.
Sudden death: In Brazil, a referee at a soccer match stabbed a player after an altercation and was then stoned to death by the crowd, shocking the entire world that anything remotely interesting could happen during soccer.
High on grass: Andy Murray became the first player from the U.K. to win Wimbledon in over 70 years, bringing huge smiles from British fans – a harsh punishment for those watching at home.
Like riding a bike: Lance Armstrong will ride again at an Iowa cycling event. His return to the sport has made a lot of people angry, but one thing’s for sure: He’s got a lot of ball.
Happy ending: After two years of dating, Stacy Keibler and George Clooney have split up. Okay, ladies, the line for Clooney forms behind me.