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The hottest topics for the week of March 25, 2012 …
A mouthful: This year, the Texas Rangers ballpark has a $26, 24-inch long, 1-pound hot dog available called “the Boomstick” — though, at first, it was just a ploy to lure free-agent Prince Fielder.
In good hands: Reds closer Ryan Madson is out for the season with a torn elbow ligament. Strangely, Cincinnati chose not to insure his contract. And now we have our next Geico Insurance commercial.
Fight, fight, fight: Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine dismissed reports of a rift between him and general manager Ben Cherington, stating they get along great as long as that jackass does things my way.
Stalk market: The woman accused of stalking Brian Cashman was indicted after shaking him down for a mere $6,000. She was as shocked as everyone she couldn’t get the Yankees GM to overpay.
Pull over: Red Sox pitcher Bobby Jenks was arrested for a DUI and claims it was because he had taken too many muscle relaxers. Sure, Bobby. And the strip club you were at was actually a bingo parlor.
Out of action: Braves third baseman and resident old-timer Chipper Jones injured his knee and will be out for three weeks. Time to call up Wilford Brimley and force him to tell you where the Cocoon pool is.
Next of kin: Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain wrecked his ankle while playing with his son and is probably out for the season. See, mom, this is why I don’t have kids. Also, impotence.
He has risen: The Denver Broncos traded Tim Tebow to the New York Jets just one day after signing his replacement, Peyton Manning. Wasn’t it supposed to take three days?
More Tebow: Despite his trouble throwing, he’s a perfect fit with the Jets and Coach Rex Ryan since Tim’s got great feet. (Because Ryan is known to have a foot fetish! Do I have to explain all of these to you guys? For crying out loud, read the Internet!)
He’s back! Tiger Woods won a PGA tournament for the first time in a long time. Nice to see Tiger finally sinking his balls in the right holes.
Bounty hunted: The Saints’ Sean Payton has been suspended for his part in the bounty program designed to knock out other teams’ players. He has subsequently been offered a consultation position on fifteen different NHL teams.
In theaters now: I kind of figured The Hunger Games would be about Adele and Kirstie Allie playing Jenga over the last box of Girl Scout cookies.
Twisted sister: After Kim Kardashian got flour-bombed by a PETA enthusiast, her sister Khloe has quit PETA to show her support. Also, there was a lot less food there than she expected.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz