The hottest topics for the week of July 29, 2012 …
Rumor has it: Reports say the Phillies will trade Cliff Lee and the remaining $100 million on his contract. Teams that miss out on getting Lee should consider other alternatives like financing another Spider-Man reboot or just setting a pile of money on fire.
Miami blues: The Marlins traded the super-gifted and underperforming Hanley Ramirez to the Dodgers. It’s a very smart trade since Hanley’s squandered talents will fit in perfectly in Los Angeles.
Ranger danger: Texas’ Josh Hamilton has been struggling at the plate, and at a recent home game, the crowed showered him with boos. Sorry, Josh – “boos,” not “booze.”
Hand jive: Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has a broken hand after being hit by a pitch. Now how the hell is he supposed to caress himself!?!
More ARod: Answer – Jeter.
For a few dollars more: The Phillies signed pitcher Cole Hamels to a $144 million deal in the hopes that he can play every position simultaneously.
More Hamels: The Yankees announced they looked forward to taking over that contract in two years.
Forgive me father: The Padres signed closer Huston Street to a $14 million extension. So, for the next two years, an oft-injured relief pitcher will account for one-eighth of the team’s entire payroll. Next up is a diamond-encrusted bidet in the clubhouse bathroom.
Better red than dead: The Cincinnati Reds won their 10th straight game in a last-minute effort to boost fan morale before the impending Bengals season.
Houston, we have a problem: The Astros’ losing streak ended at 12 games. Manager Brad Mills assured fans, “This win is just a minor setback. We’ll get back to giving fans the losses they expect from us.”
The Olympic Games: NBC’s coverage of the Opening Ceremony skipped a tribute to fallen soldiers, because it “wasn’t American.” Discerning viewers are skipping NBC’s Olympic coverage, because it “isn’t watchable.”
More Olympics: Two athletes have been thrown off their Olympic squads for offensive tweets; and a reporter had an account banned for criticizing NBC’s coverage. Who would have thought Big Brother would turn out to be a small blue bird?
More Olympics: The women’s gymnastics judges are giving out 9s and 10s, but really none of these girls are more than a 7.
More Olympics: U.S. teen Missy Franklin won the 100 meter backstroke – a wonderful Olympic moment and also NBC’s most elaborate episode yet of “To Catch a Predator.”
Judge not, lest ye be judged: After a Jets practice this weekend, Tim Tebow was seen running shirtless in the rain – though at first his teammates just thought they were watching a matinee showing of Magic Mike.
A current affair: How the heck did Robert Pattinson figure out that Kristen Stewart was cheating on him? Guess her face must’ve given it away.
Spanish for metal? Metallica is touring in Mexico – because everyone down there is used to diarrhea.
Every rose has its thorn: Rock icon Bret Michaels and his girlfriend called off their engagement. It’s time for all you ladies to update your tetanus shots.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz