Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of October 21, 2012 …
Tigers vs. Giants: After a sweep and a seven-game nail-biter, we have our two World Series teams: San Francisco and Detroit. Each team features impressive pitchers and some even more impressive waistlines. If we don’t see a seventh-inning stretch sumo match between Prince Fielder and Pablo Sandoval then what is baseball even doing?!
More Series: The World Series is a grueling contest full of individual excellence, heart-breaking mistakes and dramatic surprises to decide which is the best team in baseball – featuring the fifth-best team from the American League and the fourth-best team in the National League.
More Series: Baseball fans are asking, “Will Verlander be dominant?” and “Will Posey keep hitting?” and “Will home field really help?” But with these two teams, baseball fans are mostly asking, “Who will give a crap?”
Bye-bye birdie: After a string of bizarre series wins dating back to last year, St. Louis come up short even after taking a 3-1 series lead against the Giants. What really threw the Cardinals was not having the other team’s manager giving away the games. I’m talking to you, Ron Washington and Davey Johnson!
Manly men: The Yankees’ Brian Cashman says that Alex Rodriguez is no longer untouchable. Derek Jeter added, “No kidding! I’ve been touching him for years!”
The best man: The Angels’ Mike Trout won the Best Player Award from Baseball America. When asked for a comment, runner-up Miguel Cabrera said, “It’s no big deal. Those things don’t taste very good anyway.”
Hitless in Seattle: The Mariners hired a new hitting coach hoping to improve their 26th-place offense by bringing in Dave Hansen – the mastermind behind the Dodgers 24th -place offense.
Return of the living dead: Fernando Rodney won the Comeback Player Award, though it’s unclear what he actually “came back” from. Mediocrity? Is that an injury?
Stay classy: In a surprise move, the Red Sox have traded for and signed Will Farrell to manage the team next season. Am I reading this right? Colin Farrell?
Ai Padre! To help increase attendance, PETCO Park in San Diego plans on moving its outfield fences in for next season to increase the amount of offense and to make room for a new miniature golf course to subsidize their revenues.
Extra Innings
This is nuts! With a pile of evidence against him, officials will be taking away Lance Armstrong’s seven Tour de France titles. It’s not the first time he’s been stripped of something important.
Ladies’ first: The Indiana Fever won their very first WNBA championship, causing tens of fans to celebrate as late as 10 o’clock!
Sudan the man: George Clooney says that we have to “make life miserable” for the President of Sudan and he backed up his strong words by shipping a dozen DVDs of Ocean’s 13.
Bitter Swift: Millions of girls worldwide broke up with their boyfriends in preparation of Taylor Swift releasing her new album, “Red.”
Obamney! Mitt Romney and Barrack Obama squared off in the final debate of this election and it seems Americans have made their decision: They’re glad their weeknight TV programming won’t be disturbed anymore by meaningless debates.
Paging Dr. Drew! Lindsay Lohan called police when her father tried to perform an “intervention.” He initially didn’t want to do the intervention himself, but Charlie Sheen wasn’t available.
More Lohan: Michael Lohan said that he wasn’t too concerned about Lindsay’s usual drugs, alcohol and public mayhem, but he became certain that she was unstable when she endorsed Mitt Romney.