Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of November 4, 2012 …
Special Report: Election Day
I’m not sure if I want to buy the new Halo 4 video game or vote on Tuesday – either way I’ll just be blindly smashing buttons all afternoon.
Voting Tip: If you’re an undecided voter, be sure to check out the candidates’ Klout scores.
Election Day is upon us and neither candidate has laid out the details of their zombie defense plan.
This is an important election year so you need to get out there and vote. Remember: the winning party gets home field advantage in the next World Series.
Baseball
Very Big Papi: The Red Sox signed David Ortiz to a two-year deal to continue on as the team’s designated hitter, but it’s unclear yet who will be his designated runner.
Mixed message: Josh Hamilton says he wants a seven-year deal worth $175 million. Way to make teams think you’re sober, Josh.
Black magic pitcher: The Royals traded for last year’s worst pitcher in all of baseball, Ervin Santana – in response to some fans’ claims the team couldn’t possibly get any worse.
Mr. Right Now: Marlins signed Mike Redmond to a three-year deal to manage the team in 2013. No word yet on who they plan to hire for 2014.
Moving right along: Mike Aviles was traded again – first from the Red Sox to the Blue Jays and now to the Indians. He’s getting passed around so much that he should change his last name to Kardashian.
Waiting to exhale: The Detroit Tigers have extended manager Jim Leyland’s contract – but it’s only through 2013 because the team hasn’t figured out where to put his iron lung.
I’ll be back! Mariano Rivera told the Yankees that he’s definitely coming back to pitch in 2013 – just as soon as his manufacturer finishes installing his new knee.
You got Colletti’d: The Dodgers re-signed Brandon League to a three-year deal – making sure that none of the other teams in the league could grossly overpay for his services.
Extra Innings
Record time: The Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck threw a record-setting 433 yards this weekend. He now owns two records: most passing yards by a rookie in a single game and worst neck beard by a human person in NFL history.
Marathon madness: Due to continuing relief efforts for Hurricane Sandy, organizers cancelled the 2012 New York City Marathon – prompting thousands of runners to instead do something productive with their time.
Don’t ask don’t tell: Jessica Simpson’s dad insists that he’s not gay. He explained, “How can I be some weirdo gay when I want to have sex with both of my daughters?”
Mis-stated: Former President Bill Clinton said that he was “honored to be in Pennsylvania” – when he was really in Ohio. That’s a lot like when he said he was happy with Hilary – when he was really in Monica.
No hurry: John Cusack is set to play Rush Limbaugh in a movie. I’m looking forward to the scene where a younger Rush holds a boom box over his head outside his pharmacist’s window and demands his OxyContin.
Darth Mouse: Disney bought LucasFilm for $4 billion. First up: Star Wars Episode 7: The Hunt for Jar Jar Binks.