The hottest topics for the week of November 6, 2011 …
Frankrupt: Frank McCourt finally agreed to sell the Dodgers and now the title of most hated person in Los Angeles is up for grabs. Frontrunners include Lindsey Lohan, the Kardashians, Nathan Fillion and Detroit.
No thanks: Toronto executive Tony LaCava turned down the Orioles general manager job and others were unwilling to even be interviewed. This is the most unwanted job since Rosie O’Donnell’s bikini waxer.
Last man standing: Baltimore then hired the only man on the planet willing to be the Orioles GM: former Expos and Red Sox GM Dan Duquette – who they found rummaging through the trash in the alley behind the stadium.
Top of the world: The Mets’ R.A. Dickey announced he’s going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro and the team does not approve, telling him, “You really R.A. Dickey.”
Pitching shortage: Almost every team has made starting pitching the top priority for this coming season. Except for the Astros, who have to decide if they are even a major league baseball team.
Is this heaven? The “Field of Dreams” property in Iowa was sold recently. The real estate agent used a variety of slogans to interest buyers: “If you buy it, he will come” and “Go the distance … for financing” and “Lease his pain.”
Pyramid scheme: The Mets are seeking loans from minority shareholders to generate much-needed cash and so the team uniform will be sporting a new patch on the sleeve with the initials “IOU.”
Government inaction: The struggling economy and global warming will have to wait – Democrats are urging Major League Baseball to test players for human growth hormone. And next on the docket: Jennifer Aniston’s fertility.
The Chicago way: The Cubs fired manager Mike Quade after only one season. Am I the only one who sees his name and immediately thinks of Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Total Recall”? Open your mind! Man, I love that movie.
Cleveland blues: Indians fans are excited about getting a past-his-prime-in-a-free-fall-decline-and-partially-to-blame-for-the-Braves-horrible-collapse Derek Lowe. Of course, they also love Nickelback, gonorrhea and the TV show “Whitney.”
Phillies folly: The Phillies are bringing back Jim Thome to help fill in for the injured Ryan Howard – that’s like when you’re driving and your tire blows out and then you replace that tire with another tire … that’s already blown out.
Nittany liars: Penn State’s football coach Joe Paterno claims the child abuse incident he heard about was different from the ones reported to the grand jury. In Joe’s defense, it’s a good day if he can remember what he had for breakfast and his socks match.
Un-belieber-ble! Justin Bieber got a girl pregnant? Wait, I’m confused. How can a girl get pregnant from another girl?
Real talk: They gave Salt Lake City a Major League Soccer team – if anyone wanted to know how incredibly boring it is to live in Utah.
Man up: This week, Magic Johnson is celebrating the 20-year anniversary of his announcement that he had lots of unprotected sex with women that were not his wife.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Jon Sumple, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz