The hottest topics for the week of September 4, 2011 …
Dodger blues: MLB is skeptical of the offer owner Frank McCourt received for $1.2 billion to buy the team because of his past dishonest dealings, and because it also included a leprechaun, three magic beans and an all-expense paid trip to Narnia.
Stop, thief: A former San Francisco Giants’ employee has been charged with embezzling millions from the team. No, it’s not Barry Zito.
Game over: The bad news is that All-Star shortstop Hanley Ramirez is having season-ending surgery. The good news is that since he can only watch games now, the Marlin’s fanbase has soared to 14!
Clash of the titans: The Yankees and Red Sox faced off again this week: millionaires, bickering, drama, fighting. It’s just like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but with more Botox.
Jail bird: Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction was upheld by a judge and he will receive his sentence in December. Rumor has it that his head gets the top bunk.
Dumped: Consistently awful play forced the Giants to get rid of Miguel Tejada and Aaron Rowand, but they still get almost $15 million. Typical California divorce.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Brandon Phillips said that it would be a slap in the face if the Cincinnati Reds only picked up his 2012 option for $12 million. For $12 million, you can slap my face, dress me up in diapers and parade me around singing “I Will Survive.” Or even for $50 and a case of Red Bull. No, really.
Jumping Jack: The Mariners reached a deal on a two-year contract extension with general manager Jack Zduriencik. With this job security, I’d say it’s about time to buy a vowel for his last name.
Extra Innings
U.S Open: Tennis, anyone? No thanks.
College football: Now that the long summer of grueling practices and intense training is over, football players can get back to drinking and making inappropriate sexual advances.
Madden 12: EA Sports released a new version of the best-selling football video game – with improvements to Dynamic Player Performance, Franchise Mode, Online Communities and, best of all, no Black Eyed Peas performances.
It’s a small world: NBA players are signing deals to be on teams all over the world. Their biggest challenge will be learning how to say “baby mama” in Russian.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Jon Sumple