Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of January 13, 2013 …
Hall of same: For the first time since 1996, no one was elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame. When reached for comment, a shirtless Pete Rose could be seen wildly firing a revolver into the air while shotgunning a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
More Hall of Fame: Baseball writers refusing to vote for players who took steroids clearly know nothing about the dangers of roid rage.
More Hall of Fame: After no one was voted in, the Hall of Fame went on record saying, “I didn’t want anyone anyway.”
Bored games: Former MLBer Milton Bradley was recently charged with spousal abuse. When asked about the allegations, Bradley stated, “I’m Sorry. No one has a Monopoly on The Game of Life. It’s not always a Candyland and there’s always the Risk of Chutes and Ladders.
More Bradley: If convicted on all counts, Milton Bradley will go to jail for 13 years and not pass Go, nor collect $200 dollars.
High times: Astros prospect Jonathan Singleton was suspended 50 games for smoking pot despite his heartfelt plea to the team: “come on, guys, just be cool.”
Can’t buy me love: As their free-spending ways continue, the Dodgers announced the signings of four Dominican Republic 17-year-olds. However, they were thwarted in their attempts to buy the actual Dominican Republic.
Call me maybe: T-Mobile will provide wireless devices that managers can use to call the bullpen. I’m not sure how this will speed up the game. I’ve seen my parents try to use cell phones.
More T-Mobile: Bud Selig spotted at local bar with the T-Mobile girl. “They’re just friends,” says Selig’s lawyer.
Worldwide web: Major League Baseball paid a record $1.2 million for the rights to the domain name Rockies.com, strangely Mets.com is still available for $9.95.
Getting testy: Ever-glacial MLB baseball has finally reached agreement to expand blood testing for HGH. This might actually make some players nervous if they hadn’t already switched from HGH to snorting stem cells from newborn Peruvian yaks.
No duh! Lance Armstrong finally confessed to taking performance-enhancing drugs and that his elevated testosterone levels were not the result of his one “super” nut.
A patriot and a hero: Tom Brady earned his record 17th postseason victory in New England’s 41-28 victory over Houston Sunday. And his hair was perfect.
Bronco dependent: Have we even considered the possibility that maybe Peyton Manning wasn’t just taking a knee before overtime … but was actually Tebowing?
Award season: The 70th Annual Golden Globes were held on Sunday. It was pretty much just three hours of rich celebrities pronouncing Les Miserables in an annoying way.
More Golden Globes: During an acceptance speech, actress Jodie Foster revealed that she is a lesbian … hey, wait a minute, who’s putting 1984 results in my Google News this week?
More Foster: Also Jodie Foster’s “coming out” speech has to be the early favorite for next year’s Best Musical or Comedy.
Your ad here: I’m already sick of Sofia Vergara’s Pepsi Teeth Whitener commercial.
Role reversal: Justin Timberlake is set to release another album – his first in over five years. The title of the album is going to be “Can We All Just Pretend Those Movies I Did Never Happened?”
Reunited and it feels so good: Destiny’s Child is getting back together! Super excited for Beyonce and … um … you know, the other two.
Blockbuster videos: This year, Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger have movies coming out. And they’re all rated AARP.