Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz
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The hottest topics for the week of April 28, 2013 …
President evil: Reid Ryan is the new president of the Houston Astros. Because someone had to.
Injury pro: The Red Sox announced that reliever Andrew Bailey was activated from the disabled list. And is expected back on the disabled list next week.
Cleveland crocks: The Indians expect Daisuke Matsuzaka to pitch in the minor leagues next month. They also expect to win the pennant and for Cleveland to become the center of the universe.
Lose Angeles: The Dodgers are off to a terrible start, but ownership representative Magic Johnson remains positive.
Be kind, rewind: Major League Baseball might make video replay available next season for all plays, but it’s Major League Baseball, so they’ll be using VHS tapes exclusively.
Offensive move: Last week, the Rangers’ Ian Kinsler displayed the worst base-running slide in recorded history. The team can’t decide whether it should be called “the Lohan” or “the Bynes.”
Catcher in the thigh: The Phillies Carlos Ruiz is scheduled for an MRI for his hamstring. This season he’s got a .571 OPS after missing the first 25 games because of a failed test for amphetamines. Last year, Ruiz was an All-Star, because of his .935 OPS … and his amphetamines.
Headline news: The New York Jets’ Mike Goodson was arrested on drug possession and weapon charges in an effort to make up for the loss of Tim Tebow media coverage.
Balls! Seattle lost out on getting the Sacramento Kings. But did they really?
After hours: I think the main issue I had with the series finale of The Office was that it wasn’t three years ago.
Kulture klub: Have Kim and Kanye chosen an Instagram filter for the baby yet?
Face time: Kristen Stewart is “super sad” about her breakup. A friend of Stewart’s who asked to remain anonymous said that she “couldn’t tell” because “Kristen only has one facial expression.”
Price is right: Yahoo bought Tumblr. Not to be outdone, Bing purchased Friendster.