Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of October 7, 2012 …
Playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs! Good news, guys! Bud Selig just said that if the World Series comes down to Baltimore and Washington nobody has to watch!
More playoffs: In the winner-take-all wild card game between the Braves and Cardinals, the left field ump called the infield fly rule at the last second on a ball hit 150 feet beyond the infield dirt that the shortstop bailed out on. Man, these replacement refs are ruining the game!
More playoffs: Alex Rodriguez’s popularity is really teetering right now. After the first two playoff games he already has struck out five times. … Also five times while batting.
Heavy hitter: Miguel Cabrera is the first baseball player in 45 years to win the Triple Crown. It’ll go well with his collection of Burger King Crowns.
Home sweet home: In what might have been his last game as a Texas Ranger, Josh Hamilton was booed by the home crowd. Yikes! His bar tab has to be through the roof right now.
Retraction Jackson: A reporter who claimed that Robinson Cano used PEDs apologized for his remarks – because he meant Derek Jeter.
You’re fired: Bobby Valentine was let go after the worst Red Sox season in decades. It wasn’t all bad, though. He succeeded in giving Boston sports fans something to complain about.
You’re hired: The Cleveland Indians hired former Red Sox manager Terry Francona to run their team next year. His first move will be to fill out his coaching staff with legendary former Indians players Jake Taylor, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn and Willy Mays Hayes.
You’re resigned: Jim Tracy managed the Rockies to 98 losses and has decided to resign. Sure, like that time I decided to “resign” from dating that cute girl who stopped returning my phone calls.
Out with the old: The Phillies added Ryne Sandberg to their coaching staff with the idea that he would eventually replace the aging Charlie Manuel once he retires or for the games past his bedtime.
Everything must go: Curt Schilling’s financial woes might mean he has to sell the “bloody sock” from his 2004 playoff performance. Also possibly available: the “sweaty jersey,” the scuffed cleats” and the “musky jockstrap.”
Extra Innings
The waiting game: The Jets say they are sticking with quarterback Mark Sanchez because they think he can turn things around and play better. Tim Tebow doesn’t mind. He knows his day will cometh.
Give me an “F”: Ex-Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones pleads guilty to sex with a teen. These fan appreciation days are getting out of control.
Golfer guilt: Tiger Woods told Ryder Cup rookies he was sorry for his poor performance. He’s getting really good at apologizing for screwing around.
Master debaters: Obama and Romney squared off in the first Presidential debate – discussing all the key issues, such as healthcare, the economy and whether they’re pro-Nicki Minaj or pro-Mariah Carey.
More debates: American voters remained undecided on which candidate to vote for since neither candidate provided a feasible 12-step recovery program for Lindsay Lohan.
New Hulkamania: Former wrestler Hulk Hogan recently had a sex tape with Heather Clem leaked. You can’t see his face, but his voice and hair give him away. Also when he was done, he ripped his condom to pieces.
More sex tape: Kim Kardashian is reportedly very upset over news of an old sex tape of her boyfriend Kanye West – upset that she’s not in it.
Splitsville: Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman are separating after decades together. He probably just wants to go after someone younger, cuter and shorter.