The hottest topics for the week of April 1, 2012 …
Opening day! The Mariners and the Athletics kicked off the season with a two-game set in Japan starting at 6 a.m. EDT, a week ahead of the rest of the league – man, I just don’t get these time zones.
More Mariners/Athletics: Oakland GM Billy Beane took the opportunity to scout local players. One thing’s for sure: These Japanese players have a very high wok-rate. Boom! Jokes!
Bailout: The Los Angeles Dodgers sold for a huge $2.15 billion, a bloated amount that’s almost double what was originally expected. Just like Jessica Simpson.
More Dodgers: The new group of owners includes Magic Johnson and former Braves president Stan Kasten – both proved they had what it takes to be a Dodgers owner by immediately beginning messy divorce proceedings.
WTF in Cincinnati: Reds first baseman Joey Votto signed a huge $220 million 10-year contract extension, a bloated amount that they’ll wish had never happened. Just like Jessica Simpson.
Free at last: Florida prosecutors dropped charges against Manny Ramirez because, hellllloooo, it’s Florida. Domestic battery is considered a public display of affection.
Raise for Cain: The Giants signed pitcher Matt Cain to the biggest-ever contract for a right-hander, a bloated amount that’s an annoying, talentless rube who will not go away. Just like Jessica Simpson.
Rocky road: Ubaldo Jimenez got suspended for hitting former teammate Troy Tulowitzki with a pitch. Manager Jim Tracy called it the most gutless thing he’d ever seen. I guess he’s never seen Jim Tracy manage a game.
All apologies: John Lackey apologized for his use of the word “retarded” in describing the criticism Red Sox pitchers got for drinking in the clubhouse. “I meant no harm, and I am sorry to all I offended. It was pretty gay.”
More Lackey: John Lackey’s apology seemed a little forced and disingenuous. But you can’t blame him, he’s kind of retarded.
Old west: The 49-year-old Jamie Moyer made the Rockies starting rotation, which will be a nice way for him to end his career since he was the guy who discovered the state of Colorado in the first place.
More Moyer: Yeah, Moyer isn’t going to make the kind of money the bigger name guys do, but the numbers get a lot closer when you factor in early-bird specials and discount movie tickets.
Extra Innings
We got next: Baylor crushed Notre Dame for the 2012 NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship in what was the highest rated episode of everything else on television.
Movie magic: The movie Titanic is being re-released this week in 3D, 15 years after its original release and thanks to CGI, Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he hasn’t aged a day.
Apple’d: Ashton Kutcher is going to play the late Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. This is going to be the worst episode of Punk’d ever.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Justin Workman, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz