Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of June 23, 2013 …
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Big comeback: The Giants’ Pablo Sandoval was activated from the disabled list after missing two weeks. The team never should have stopped at that Krispy Kreme.
Baby genius: Joe Torre’s daughter caught a baby falling from an apartment window – and immediately threw it to third base to get the runner who forgot to tag up.
More Torre: Joe now plans on sending her out all over town to catch babies until her arm blows out.
Legally bland: Alex Rodriguez’s attorney blasted MLB’s investigation into the Biogenesis lab – calling it “despicable” and “unethical” and “potentially incriminating because A-Rod has been using steroids for quite some time now.”
Manny being delusional Manny: Former outfielder Manny Ramirez says he isn’t retiring and still hopes to get an offer to play. His agent has made it clear that he will play for no less than five ham sandwiches a week.
Oh, Canada: The Toronto Blue Jays had an 11-game winning streak and Toronto mayor Rob Ford is on record saying, “Blue Jays? That’s cool. Got any crack?”
Short stop: A clogged pipe was to blame for the Athletics stadium sewage backup. The building has been put on a high-fiber diet and is not allowed to sit in the all-you-can-eat section anymore.
Music man: Jay-Z is now officially a certified agent for both the MLB and NBA, upping his problem count to 101.
Big finale: Carlos Lee has officially retired. If you need him, he’ll be down at the Krispy Kreme.
Under suspicion: “Man, if Aaron Hernandez could just win a Super Bowl, this whole thing would blow right over.” – Ray Lewis
Half-empty cup: The Chicago Blackhawks beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup in a series that many non-hockey fans are calling “some kind of hockey thing.”
Walking Wallenda: Nik Wallenda became the first person to walk a wire across the Grand Canyon, thanking Jesus every other step. When reached for comment, Jesus said, “My money was on him falling.”
She’s all that: Justin Bieber was spotted out on a date at a Miami Heat championship series game with a mystery girl. They already have so much in common because he is also a mystery girl.
Backfire: Jim Carrey promoted his new movie Kick Ass 2 by refusing to promote his new movie Kick Ass 2.
Three of a kind: Full House star Jodie Sweetin separated from her third husband after a year. She just needs some time to herself to plan her next wedding.
Vows of silence: Kanye West has finally popped the question to Kim Kardashian. But the real question is: “Who cares?”
Bouncing baby Kardashian: Kim and Kanye named their baby North – which is short for Northolomew.
More North West: The name North slimly beat out the names Slow, New and Shallow.
Even More North West: Afterwards, Kanye put baby North into a baby carrier, “What’s this thing called again? Baby Bjorn? Ha! Ha! What a stupid name.”