The hottest topics for the week of April 22, 2012 …
Picture perfect: White Sox Phil Humber pitched the 21st perfect game in baseball history – an accomplishment whose unexpectedness is only matched by the speed with which we will forget he ever existed.
What’s old is new: The Boston Red Sox celebrated the 100-year anniversary of Fenway Park with a tribute to all former players and managers and with traditional devastating losses to the Yankees.
KC masterpiece: Having lost 11 straight games and winning no home games in the month of April, the Kansas City Royals’ season is off to a terrible start. Or as their fans call it: always.
Card tricks: Honus Wagner’s baseball card was sold for $1.2 million in an online auction. The buyer later explained he planned to use it in the spokes of his son’s diamond-encrusted bicycle before flying away in his jet pack.
Un-athletic: Oakland’s heavyset pitcher Bartolo Colon set a league record by throwing 38 strikes in a row, moving quickly through the Angels lineup. It’s not that hard to understand – the restaurants close early in Anaheim.
Milestone: With a win against the Chicago Cubs, the Cincinnati Reds organization celebrated their 10,000th victory – also Pete Rose won two grand.
The avenger: Matt Kemp, one season after losing the MVP award to an accused juicer, is leading the majors with nine home runs and 22 RBI through 16 games. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Last resort: With Jacoby Ellsbury and Carl Crawford out, the Red Sox traded for the Cubs’ Marlon Byrd. That scraping sound you hear is the bottom of the barrel.
Legal action: Sexual assault charges were dropped against Chicago Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro. Ozzie Guillén commented, “I respect Starlin Castro. You know why? Many people have tried to arrest Starlin Castro, yet that SOB is still there … Wait, what now?!”
Holy crap! San Francisco pitcher Madison Bumgarner signed a record-setting extension with Giants, so now my dream of him joining the Angels for a Pujols/Bumgarner combo will have to wait.
Extra Innings
By any other name: Los Angeles Lakers’ forward and resident crazy person Metta World Peace elbowed the Thunder’s James Harden in the head. You can take the Ron Artest out of the name but you can’t take the Ron Artest out of the Ron Artest.
Stanley Cupdate: The lowly eighth-seeded Los Angeles Kings surprised the Vancouver Canucks, winning in five games. The Vancouver Canucks fans surprised the world by not burning their city to the ground.
How deep is your sleep? Bee Gee Robin Gibb woke up from his coma. Stayin’ alive, bitches!
Baby on board: Megan Fox is pregnant and she couldn’t be more delighted. No word yet as to who will be the child’s godparents or tattoo artist.
In theaters now: Zac Efron’s new movie The Lucky One opened this weekend, with a 76 percent female audience and a 24 percent if-it-gets-me-laid audience.
Publicity tour: So, I guess I should mention that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating. This great American romance is brought to you by whatever it is either of these two is trying to sell more of.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz, Sepp Thor