The hottest topics for the week of January 29, 2012 …
Prince among men: With Prince Fielder joining the Tigers, the team wants to move the equally heavyset Miguel Cabrera to third base – what he calls his “natural position.” I’m pretty sure his natural position is eating.
More Fielder: Prince Fielder signed with the Tigers for $214 million and then bought the nicest house in Detroit for 57 grand.
Misspelled crisis: Teams are lining up to pay Cuban outfielder Yoenis Cespedes millions despite questions about how he’ll adjust to playing in the US, how he’ll do against major-league pitching and how the hell you pronounce his name.
Oscarball: “Moneyball” got a total of six nominations last week, including Best Picture and Best Actor. In true Moneyball fashion, it will finish near the top statistically, but probably won’t win anything.
Subtraction by addition: After a strange offseason, the Red Sox finally catch a break – the Yankees hired former Cubs GM Jim Hendry.
Once more, with feeling: Bug Selig announced that, despite retiring, Tony LaRussa would get to manage the All-Star game. This Time It Counts (except to the guy who is the manager of one of the teams).
Closing time: At age 45, Tim Wakefield is considering retirement after getting knocked around during a rough offseason warm up – against his son’s Little League team.
No Canada: Rangers’ reliever Koji Uehara blocked a trade to play with Toronto. This doesn’t sound that funny, but think about it: a Japanese player would rather pitch in Texas than in Toronto. Come on, that’s hilarious. No, huh? Well, screw you. Sorry I brought it up.
Extra Innings
Peyton’s place: Colt’s owner Jim Irsay and Peyton Manning want everyone to know that their relationship is fine – other than the searing hatred and mutual desire for vengeance and everlasting shame.
Exibitionism: After his Pro Bowl record-setting, four-TD performance with Roethlisberger, Rivers and Dalton at QB, Miami’s Brandon Marshall said that this is what he could do with an “elite quarterback.” But then added, “Not that I’m dissing whatshisname or anything.”
More Pro Bowl: Guys in the Pro Bowl should be given water guns, because why the hell not?
Hockey night: The NHL All Star game happened the same day as the NFL Pro Bowl – marking the first time that more people cared about hockey than football since the movie “Sudden Death” with Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Sorry, sometimes these jokes are just for me and maybe one other guy – that guy might be you, but probably isn’t.)
About last night: Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital when she had a seizure after “smoking something.” Sounds more like Ashton withdrawals, right? Actually seizures are pretty serious and you should find seizure treatments immediately. I’m an a-hole.
In theaters now: Movies about senior citizens battling wolves claimed the top two spots at the box office this weekend as “The Grey,” starring Liam Neeson, narrowly edged out “Underworld Awakening,” starring Kate Beckinsale.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Brian Solari, Kyle Hallman, Glen Hentz, Jon Sumple, Stephen Arenholtz, Zach Pennington