The hottest topics for the week of January 22, 2012 …
Prince Fielder signs: The Detroit Tigers signed Fielder moments after reports he was going to sign with the Nationals. He explained, “Tigers taste better than nationals.”
More Fielder: The Tigers are teaming up Prince with Miguel Cabrera and plan to showcase them during their new seventh-inning stretch and sumo match.
Simplex the best: Amid PED and herpes rumors, Ryan Braun accepted his MVP trophy, expressing his appreciation and his love of the game … although it seemed he was itching to say more.
Boston blunder: This offseason, the Red Sox traded away Jed Lowrie and Marco Scutaro and now they don’t have anyone who can play shortstop. Just like the Yankees.
Tweet nothings: Reacting to criticism from the White Sox, Ozzie Guillen says on Twitter that he will “kill peoples fellings no mercy” – looks like he’s using the new Gary Busey app.
Yu know it! Texas Rangers officially sign Japanese star Yu Darvish. That means Yu is pitching this season … I am pitching this season? … No, Yu is on the mound … If I am on the mound, then who is pitching? … Yu is.
Scrappy Doo: For some reason it’s unclear whether David Eckstein retired or not. But if he did, I can assure you it was the gutsiest, scrappiest retirement that was actually a lot worse than people gave it credit for.
Fake ID: It was discovered that Indians Pitcher Fausto Carmona’s real name is Roberto Hernandez Heredia and that he’s 31, not 28. It was also discovered that the Portland Trail Blazers’ Greg Oden is Danny Glover’s brother and he’s 64.
More Carmona: We know why he did it, but it begs the question: who purposely names themselves Fausto?
Father time: The Rockies signed 49-year-old Jamie Moyer. The hope is he’ll make the rotation as well as increase sales at the “Early Bird Special” concessions stand.
Ethereal: The Dodgers re-signed Andre Ethier and they really want him to have a big year like Matt Kemp did last year, so they’re trying to get Andre to change his diet, do some weight training and date Rhianna.
Numbers game: The Rockies traded away Seth Smith because they had signed the older and more expensive Michael Cuddyer this offseason – even though these two guys have very similar WAR, fWAR, WOBA, OBP and VORP. Am I right, stat nerds?
Extra Innings
NFC Championship: The 49ers lost to the Giants and punt-returner Kyle Williams is taking a lot of heat for losing the game for his team. It’s awful – he’s like a modern-day Billy Cundiff.
Deep throat: Peyton Manning is going to retire, according to Rob Lowe. And the Colts defense is also considering a switch to a 3-4, or at least that’s what Emilio Estevez contends.
Expecting! Bears QB Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are having a baby together. We’re happy for them both – though a little surprised Jay managed to complete a pass that didn’t get picked off.
Splittsville: Heidi Klum and Seal are filing for divorce because of irreconcilable facial differences.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Sepp Thor, Stephen Arenholtz