Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of September 9, 2012 …
National emergency: Washington shut down pitcher Stephen Strasburg for the season. But he won’t be alone – the Red Sox pitching staff has been shut down almost the entire season.
Boston market: It’s rumored that Bobby Valentine will be fired by the Red Sox at end of season – in addition to other “rumors” floating around about the existence of death and taxes.
Brandamonium: A week after Oakland’s Brandon Inge ended his season with surgery, Athletics’ pitcher Brandon McCarthy went down via a line drive to the head. The remaining Brandons, Hicks and Moss, have been taken into protective custody.
The Pitts: Just a few weeks ago, Pittsburgh looked like they could make the playoffs, but things have gone south and they even committed seven errors in one game. Since they’re the Pirates, shouldn’t they call them arrrrr-ors?
Rumor has it: In response to rumors he was under suspicion for using steroids, A.J. Pierzynski got very angry. Smart move. That kind of rage will distract everyone from his bacne and shrunken testicles.
Off the mark: The Yankees’ Mark Teixeira could be out for the season with a calf injury and the team isn’t sure how they’re going to replace him. Don’t worry, New York fans, there are plenty of other douchebags down at the CVS.
Wild cards: The Dodgers are discussing a long-term deal with the team’s mostly inept general manager Ned Colletti. He is the Chris Brown to their Rihanna.
Simply the worst: The Houston Astros garnered less than 1,100 viewers for a televised game. I guess nobody really wants to watch a snuff film.
End game: The San Francisco Giants tied a record using 11 pitchers in a game – and they lost. Maybe next time the team will think twice about randomly bringing fans in to pitch. That’s a weird promotional tool. Ha ha! Just kidding! They didn’t use fans. That would be stupid – like using 11 pitchers in a single game.
Extra Innings
NFL kickoff: The National Football League season started. Cleveland Browns jerseys now available for half price.
More NFL: The Eagles barely squeaked out a win against the lowly Browns. Philly QB Michael Vick was clearly distracted by all the action in Cleveland’s “Dog Pound.”
More NFL: While beating the Titans, the Patriots’ Tom Brady hurt his nose when he was being sacked. “Dear God, not his beautiful face!” I cried.
More NFL: #1 draft pick Andrew Luck said he was offered all the same commercials as Robert Griffin III, but felt he should earn them first by his play. Week 1: 3 picks + 1 loss = 0 commercials earned.
Politically incorrect: Nicki Minaj announced her endorsement for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election – the first allegiance of robots against human beings.
Third time’s a charm: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are married. It’s Reynolds’ third marriage, so don’t worry, ladies, there’s always next year.
Hair club: An intruder was arrested at singer/actress Miley Cyrus’ home. Authorities say he was armed with a pair of scissors and a passionate distaste for her new hairstyle.
King’s ransom: Elvis Presley’s bible fetched $94,600 at a UK auction. This special bible features the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not step on my blue suede shoes.