The hottest topics for the week of January 8, 2012 …
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Even Steven: The 8-8 Denver Broncos managed to beat the 12-4 Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday on a Tim Tebow 80-yard TD pass that was best described as miraculous. When asked why he would intervene, God said, “Ben knows why.”
Numbers never lie: Tim Tebow, who famously eye-blacked the biblical verse 3:16, “coincidentally” threw for 316 yards to beat the Steelers. But did you know that in 2009 Ben Roethlisberger’s completion percentage just “happened” to be .666!
Amazing race: In 1997, an unconventional QB with a knack for dramatically winning games took his team to the AFC Championship Game. But Kordell Stewart didn’t get anywhere near as much credit as Tim Tebow … because unlike Tebow, he played before the era of 24-hour sports news. And also there’s the whole “not white” thing.
Fame game: Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin was the only player elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame this year. Fans were outraged at the omission of deserving players like Jeff Bagwell, Tim Raines, Mark McGwire and, of course, Tim Tebow.
He who hesitates: The Mariners signed Hisashi Iwakuma for $1.5 million – yay for him! Though last year he turned down $36 million from the Athletics. Ouch. This is as un-Tebow as it gets.
Sticker shock: Edwin Jackson’s agent Scott Boras says he’s seeking a $60 million contract. Is he kidding? This guy’s no Tim Tebow – more like Tim Te-blows.
Damn Yankees: New York failed to reach an agreement with Japanese infielder Hiroyuki Nakajima. The Pinstripes wanted Nakajima in a utility role, while he saw himself more as Tim Tebow.
Leaving town: The Cubs traded the cantankerous Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins and will be paying most of his salary just to get rid of him. He destroyed the clubhouse door on his way out, but Tim Tebow totally knows a carpenter who can fix that.
Name game: Beyonce and Jay-Z named their baby Blue Ivy. Nice try, guys. Next time try a real name. Like “Tim Tebow.”
Tebowing: “The Jersey Shore” returns and it looks like they lose Vinny mid-season. Tim Tebow would fit in great since these guys spend almost all their time on their knees.
In theaters now: “The Devil Inside” won the weekend box office, despite an infuriating ending that directs the audience to a website to find out what happened. Spoiler: Tim Tebow gets called in to do the final exorcism using an 80-yard TD pass.
Built again: Tiger Woods’s ex-wife spent $12 million on a mansion, and then leveled it to the ground – just on the off chance that Tiger had sexed up another girl there. PS: Tim Tebow.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz, Justin Workman