The hottest topics for the week of October 16, 2011 …
Snoozapalooza: The Rangers and the Cardinals are set to face off in what almost all baseball enthusiasts think will be “one of the World Series of all time.”
Chicago bound: Theo Epstein is heading to the Cubs who hope he will recreate his Boston Red Sox magic, ending the team’s century-long World Series drought — except for the part where the team implodes a few years later.
Miami blues: A possible new logo for the Miami Marlins has been floating around the Internet. It’s so great that the team reached out to the community and hired mentally handicapped chimpanzees to design it.
Police blotter: Rockies’ Drew Pomeranz was recently arrested for disturbing the peace. When reporters tried to reach team manager Jim Tracy for comment he was still asleep in the dugout.
Clearing the air: The Red Sox owners deny any sort of smear campaign on that “ineffective, baseball-illiterate joker” Francona.
Police blotter 2: On the charges of domestic violence Manny Ramirez pleaded not guilty – but only because “Manny being Manny” is not a recognized legal defense … yet.
Road to recovery: Beaten Giants fan Bryan Stow is making progress at a rehab center working with a physical therapist, a speech therapist and an occupational therapist. Next up for him is the dodging-fists therapist.
Don’t call it a comeback: The St. Louis Cardinals’ Lance Berkman won the Comeback Player of the Year award. Not sure what exactly what he was “coming back” from – unless you count “sucking” as an injury.
Extra Innings
Downsized: Although the Big 12 conference is going ahead with only 10 teams, the commissioner says they will still be called the Big 12. Not surprising, since most men tend to exaggerate size.
Man down: South Carolina Gamecocks’ Marcus Lattimore is out for the season with a knee injury. No joke here. Just want to say Gamecocks.
Out and about: Zachary Quinto, who plays Spock in the new Star Trek movies, came out as gay this week. Spock’s familiar phrase has been rewritten to “live long and proud.”
Pocket rocket: The iPhone 4S sold over four million units last week featuring a personal assistant and a faster processor. It also has a much-improved camera, so Brett Favre ordered two.
Booted off: The reboot of “Charlie’s Angels” was cancelled this week after only four episodes. The one crime they couldn’t solve was “who wrote this crap?”
In theaters now: The remake of “Footloose” makes me wish I lived in a town where making a remake of “Footloose” is banned.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz