Contributors: Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of June 2, 2013 …
It’s not a game: A jury on Monday convicted former Major League Baseball outfielder Milton Bradley of abusing his estranged wife. He will not be allowed to pass “Go” or collect $200.
Smokin’ Cuban: Top Dodgers prospect Yasiel Puig was brought up to replace the injured Carl Crawford. He had two singles and made a strong throw from right field to first to complete a game-ending double play. That’ll do, Puig. That’ll do.
Stopped short: Cleveland Indians shortstop Asdrubal Cabrera injured his quadriceps in a loss to the Yankees. An injury like that could seriously affect his ability to play shortstop and might even limit him to Derek Jeter’s range.
Young at heart: 111-year old Yankees fan Bernardo LaPallo attended Saturday’s game, and beforehand regaled reporters with tales of meeting Babe Ruth as a boy and watching George Steinbrenner sign his original deal with Satan.
More 111-year old guy: He’s so old, he remembers when A-Rod was good.
Knee jerk: Nationals star Bryce Harper said that his knee is “still swollen and crappy” – so, he’s decided to name his knee “The Miami Marlins.”
Astros-nomical! The lowly Houston Astros have managed to win six actual Major League Baseball games in a row. Keep your eyes open for flying pigs.
Groin pains: Jacoby Ellsbury is sidelined with a tight groin. Matthew McConaughey made a press release on Ellsbury’s behalf stating, “Alright, alright, alright.”
More Ellsbury: A tight groin? Why not just wear looser pants? Do I have to think of everything around here?
Justice got served! Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina has been suspended a game and fined for making contact with an umpire. He appealed immediately so now he’ll be forced to miss his regularly scheduled off-day and given a full-body massage.
Extra Innings
Over the hill: 40-year old Clippers forward Grant Hill announced he would retire from the NBA immediately after cracking in half on the practice court.
Kidding around: The New York Knicks’ Jason Kidd has called it a career, too. He went out on top: back-seat driving the Knicks to a second round loss in which he averaged 0 points.
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie: Neymar signed a five-year contract with Barcelona to play soccer.
No dopes: Nike has canceled its relationship with Livestrong. This is a big blow to the campaign for global awareness of yellow wristbands.
Good riddance: In the most recent episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones about 35% of the show’s main characters were killed off. The episode was titled, “The Miami Marlins.”
Movin’ on out: Amanda Bynes was kicked out of her apartment for murdering its vagina.
Be all you can Bieber: Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber showed up to the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers game seven dressed in a leather shirt in case you were wondering if he was a macho tough guy.
More Bieber: No word yet on when his Village People cover album will be released.
Cunning linguist: Actor Michael Douglas said in a press statement that his throat cancer was caused by performing oral sex on his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones. Afterwards, he was promptly given high-fives by each member of the media.
More Douglas: At his funeral, expect to hear: “He died doing what he loved.”