Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of April 14, 2013 …
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From Hot Corner contributor Zach Pennington: Few groups are harder to intimidate than marathoners, and most of those have guns, so I guess in that sense, it was a good choice. Other than that, please consider this exercise a colossal failure. You’ve grabbed a few headlines, and many hours of coverage that will continue for a time. At some point you’re going to get caught and/or killed. And in this life or the next, you’re going to regret Monday, because we’ll keep living, thriving and running.
Drive me crazy: Milwaukee Brewers’ starting pitcher Yovani Gallardo was arrested for a DUI. “This is a shock!” said a spokesman for a team whose name is “the Brewers.”
Prognosis negative: After complaining of an irregular heartbeat and undergoing tests, Miami Marlins’ outfielder Austin Kearns has been released from the hospital. However, he has not been cleared to play because he is still terrible at baseball.
Dream weaver: Bobby Abreu says he is taking this year off and plans to return next season. We know, Bobby. It’s called being a season ticket holder.
Slide rule: Jose Reyes is expected to miss three months with an ankle injury – though technically any injury to Reyes is expected.
Closure: The Braves swept the Nationals, finishing the long process of reparations. Glad that’s over!
No need to shove: In Colorado, the team’s owner helped shovel snow – which came rather easy to him after years of shoveling Jim Tracy’s crap.
Chicago style: Cubs owner Tom Ricketts claims the $500 million deal with the City of Chicago to renovate Wrigley Field will help them win the World Series. I claim this as well! Where’s my money?!?
Foul play: Tiger Woods was assessed a two-stroke penalty at The Masters for a bad drop. Typical Tiger thinking he can just drop his balls anywhere he wants.
The end is near: Kobe Bryant will be out for a year after tearing his Achilles’ tendon, which I guess is better than raping his Achilles’ tendon in a Denver hotel room.
Beat street: In retaliation to “I Hit It First,” Kanye West has announced his next single: “I just ousted Ray J as mayor of Kim’s vagina on Foursquare.”
Unbeliebable! Justin Bieber said that Anne Frank would have “been a belieber.” Such a ridiculous statement from someone who has clearly lost touch with reality. We all know she would have been a One-Directioner!
Stalk market: Hugh Jackman was being stalked by a woman with an electric razor who was trying to get rid of his beard – and the hair on his face.
Too soon? Still haven’t heard if some of my Facebook friends are praying for Boston. Hope they’re okay.