Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of September 16, 2012 …
Toronto loco: Blue Jays’ shortstop Yunel Escobar played a game with a homophobic slur printed on the eye black on his face. Yes, it’s offensive, but you should see what he’s got written on his jockstrap.
Bull feces: The Dodgers extended GM Ned Colletti’s contract. That’ll teach him to build a terrible roster of below-average overpaid players who can’t make the playoffs.
To err is human: This week Major League Baseball celebrated its 500,000th error, marking the first time a screw-up has been given this much positive press since George W. Bush was president.
Boston mediocre: With a full two weeks left in the season, the Red Sox have already been eliminated from the playoffs. FYI: “eliminate” also means “taking a poop.”
No more sunglasses: The Brewers’ Corey Hart is injured again but he insists that he will be back on the field soon … Oh, you can never surrender … And time is all we’re askin’ for … Stand your ground, never surrender … Oh, I said, “You never surrender.”
X-man: Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, who is enjoying a remarkable statistical season for a player of his age, suffered a deep bone bruise last week, but returned to playing right away. He has insisted that he isn’t using PEDs, so he’s probably Wolverine.
Insecurity: Modern Family’s Eric Stonestreet had a run-in with security at a Dodgers’ game. It was an exciting moment for the security team – not because he was a celebrity, but because it marked the first time Dodgers security has done anything.
A tragedy of epic proportions: Red Sox outfielder and human embodiment of gorgeousness Jacoby Ellsbury is now engaged to his girlfriend Kelsey Hawkins. Of course I’m happy for him. Why wouldn’t I be happy for him? He deserves to be happy, and I hope he knows I’m just glad he found someone to be happy with.
Extra Innings
Sack race: After a rough couple weeks for the Bears QB, in order to increase his efficiency this weekend, all of Jay Cutler’s plays will be printed on the top of St. Louis defensive end Robert Quinn’s helmet.
League of excruciating gentlemen: As part of their ongoing labor negotiations, NHL team owners began a lockout of players – forcing all six American hockey fans to watch much better sports.
Ginger snaps: Two-time Olympic gold medalist snowboarder and X Games star Shaun White faces charges of public intoxication and vandalism. Sounds like he was practicing his halfpipe.
Licensed to ill: After DUI and hit-and-run charges, former Nickelodeon star Amanda Bynes got her car impounded after driving with a suspended license. She is now in talks to co-host a show with Lindsay Lohan titled So You Think You Can Drive.
Love bites: This week Robert Pattinson said he forgives Kristen Stewart for her cheating scandal – and swears it has nothing to do with the fact that the new Twilight movie is opening soon.
Once more, with feeling: Apple released its new iPhone 5. New features include a larger screen, longer battery life and a ringtone of mocking laughter to degrade those who can’t afford a smart phone.
More Apple: The iMessage feature that allows iPhone users to text each other for free went down on Monday and customers became riotous at the idea of possibly having to talk to other humans with their mouths.
Blasphemous rumors: The Islamic world is in an uproar protesting against a low-budget anti-Muslim short film called The Innocence of Muslims. Man, these guys are really going to be pissed when they see Adam Sandler’s latest film.
Have a drink on me: Warren Buffet says he finished his radiation treatment for cancer. He had checked in to an alternative medical facility called Margaritaville.