Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz
The hottest topics for the week of July 14, 2013 …
Cuban missile: Athletics outfielder Yoenis Cespedes won the Home Run Derby with an impressive display of power – though the Commissioner’s Office says the results are pending a drug test on Cespedes’ eyebrows.
More Cespedes: Yoenis participated in the Home Run Derby despite not actually being on the All-Star team and then began exploiting our health care system and public schools.
Beat L.A.: National League manager Bruce Bochy says his decision to start Matt Harvey in the All-Star Game over Clayton Kershaw had nothing to do with the Giants-Dodgers rivalry, even though Bochy’s lineup card said, “Pitcher: Matt Harvey (suck it, Kershaw).”
It’s not delivery: Mike Piazza stopped by the Home Run Derby broadcast. He wanted to remind everyone that he’s alive and, despite the Supreme Court decision, still not gay.
No way, Jose: While watching the Home Run Derby, Jose Canseco tweeted he could hit softballs farther than the actual contestants’ home runs. And also that his unicorn was stolen by Elvis for use in an intergalactic battle.
Never give up: Derek Jeter pulled a quad in his return to the Yankees. His plan to have sex with eight women at once while riding a Segway has been delayed for the time being.
Just in case: Baltimore Oriole Chris Davis managed to hit 37 home runs before the All-Star Game, tied for most ever in the AL. Sources say MLB is already preparing suspension paperwork.
A-Rod AWOL: Alex Rodriguez failed to show up for a rehab appointment. He was busy being briefed on his possible suspension and was out “pulling a quad” with Jeter.
Whine house: They tried to make A-Rod go to rehab, he said “no, no, no.”
“Y” me?: The New York Mets’ Jordany Valdespin was reportedly unhappy about his demotiony.
Bounce me, maybe: On Sunday, singer Carly Rae Jepsen threw out what has been determined to be the worst pitch ever thrown by someone not on the 2013 Astros roster.
You’re glue! An Indians fan caught four foul balls in one game. He’s adding it to his collection of cannon-fired t-shirts and wedding bouquets.
More foul balls: A jealous fan went on the record, saying “I’ve got some foul balls for him to scoop.”
More foul balls: Somewhere Steve Bartman sheds a tear.
Track ‘n’ field: Tyson Substance tested positive for being gay. Wait …
Hit and done: Chris Brown faces possible jail time after a judge revoked his probation. But I’m not too worried for him. He’ll beat this.
She who shall not be named: Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling was revealed as the writer of a successful crime novel. In hindsight it was pretty obvious since the culprit turned out to be a Dementor.
More Rowling: Typical Mugblood deception.
Trials and tribulations: It’s an acquittal! It’s an injustice! It’s Zimmer-Man!
More Zimmerman: After his trial, George Zimmerman has now become the second most hated man in America behind A-Rod.
Even More Zimmerman: You got your murder in my self-defense! You got your self-defense in my murder! It’s delicious!