The hottest topics for the week of June 24, 2012 …
Sox appeal: Third baseman Kevin Youkilis was traded to the White Sox or as Youkilis referred to his new team the Chicago “Holy Crap I Can’t Believe I Got out of that Train Wreck” Sox.
More Youkilis: The trade happened after a game that everyone at Fenway seemed to know was his last, with fans and players giving him a rousing send-off – which will make the inevitable character assassination by the Boston media all the more awkward.
Texas star: Josh Hamilton has verified that his life story is going to be made into a movie. Great! Another Hangover sequel.
Desperado: The Rockies’ Jim Tracy, in a desperate move, switched his team to a four-man starting rotation in order to rest his bullpen … who will now be required to pitch more often. Next up for Jim is a world famine solution involving fire-bombing crops.
Story time: A Rangers announcer took a few days off after he gave an incoherent description of the game, saying a runner was on “fifth” base after a “botched robbery.” In his defense, baseball can get pretty boring.
Busted! Rays’ pitcher Joel Peralta was caught with a “foreign substance” on his glove. Antonio Banderas was unavailable for comment.
99 problems, but a pitch ain’t one: Mets quasi-ace R.A. Dickey has called his knuckle ball a “violent and unpredictable woman” – which I say sounds pretty redundant.
Black and blue: Umpire Jerry Layne got hit in the face by a broken bat. The bat was immediately ejected from the game and can expect a fine.
Bounty-gate 2: The Phillies’ Jonathan Papelbon paid $5,000 to Jim Thome for hitting a walk-off homer. MLB has called Jonathan Vilma in for questioning.
Phinally physically phit: After a long rehab program, Chase Utley is set to return from injury for the last-place Phillies. He’s like the guy who was working late, missed his ride, but still managed to get on board the Titanic before it left.
Extra Innings
Man with the munchies: Michael Phelps started off his Olympic trials by qualifying for the 400m individual medley – which guarantees us at least another year of awkward Subway commercials.
Actual jeopardy: Alex Trebek was hospitalized after a mild heart attack. There was some confusion before they called 911 because when he was asked what was wrong, he would not give the answer in the form of a question.
A rose by any other name: In order to distance itself from the horrible stigma of its name, Sandusky, Ohio, has chosen to change its name to Naziville, Ohio.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz
