Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of November 25, 2012 …
RIP: Marvin Miller, the union leader who changed baseball, has passed away. He was a champion for professional athletes everywhere and his work led to previously unheard of concepts like “free agency,” “salary arbitration” and “Chone Figgins, millionaire.”
Watch out for that tree: The Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer outside St. Louis. The SUV must have been a manual transmission, because this guy is clutch.
Hit man: The Cubs hired Rob Deer as an assistant hitting coach. It’s great news for Rob who was recently almost hit by an SUV outside St. Louis.
Seattle sounds: After a disappointing few years, the Mariners cut Chone Figgins. It’s a chame he didn’t chine in Seattle the way he chowed he could in Anaheim. However, a chift could chake his chabby performance.
Panhandlers: After being traded from Miami to Toronto, Mark Buehrle says he was lied to by the Marlins – which only now makes him officially a Florida resident.
Wheel of fortune: The Red Sox signed outfielder Jonny Gomes to a $10 million contract over two years. Now he can finally afford to buy that H for his name.
Yes, we Canada: The Toronto Blue Jays hired John Gibbons as their manager for a second time. I guess Taylor Swift was wrong when she said, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
Share the wealth: The Dodgers have finalized a new TV deal with Fox for at least $6 billion. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria looks forward to adding six or seven new pools to his house with the increase in revenue sharing.
Getting to third base: Tampa Bay signed the injury-prone Evan Longoria to a $100 million extension that will keep him with the club for 10 years. With his injuries, that works out to about 5.2 “Evan” years.
More Longoria: They also signed a contract extension with Eva Longoria to play the trashy clubhousewife.
Extra Innings
Nuts! After extensive review of Ndamukong Suh’s groin kick to Matt Schaub on Thanksgiving, the NFL has ruled that it was, in fact, egregious and will fine Ed Reed an additional $25,000.
More Suh: He said it was totally an accident – he was trying to kick Schaub in the face.
Hoosier daddy? In collegiate athletics, Indiana seems to be where everything is happening. They have the #1 basketball team (Indiana University), the #1 football team (Notre Dame) and a lot of meth labs (Ball State University).
Numbers game: PSY’s “Gangnam Style” music video has broken YouTube’s record for most views. The BBWAA views him as just a compiler and won’t vote for him on the first ballot.
Weekend pass: On Lifetime Network’s Liz and Dick with Lindsay Lohan, the real star was the wardrobe department. They did a great job with Lindsay – you could barely see her ankle monitor.
A thousand words: Rhianna posted a shirtless picture of Chris Brown on her Twitter account. I guess Taylor Swift was wrong when she said, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
Friend in need: Charlie Sheen reportedly paid Lindsay Lohan $100,000 to “cover her tax debt.” Is that what they’re calling “cocaine” now?
Twitter talk: Trying to apply “use your words, not your fists,” singer Chris Brown exchanged angry tweets with a female comic. Then he shut down his Twitter account – which is quite an improvement over the way he normally ends arguments with women.
