Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of December 2, 2012 …
Hip to be square: Alex Rodriguez is scheduled for another hip surgery and will miss at least half of next season. Don’t worry, Yankee fans, he’ll be back on the shuffleboard courts in no time.
Trade winds: At the Winter Meetings, New York’s R.A. Dickey has been the subject of trade rumors with lots of teams. The Mets have been throwing Dickey around like they’re Tiger Woods in Malaysia.
Speed kills: Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz was suspended for 25 games for using a banned drug. But since it was amphetamines it’s really going to only feel like five games.
Mr. Wright: The New York Mets have signed third baseman David Wright to a $122 million contract extension – making him the highest paid Met since Bernie Madoff.
Hall stall: Voters say Bonds and Clemens will miss getting voted into the Hall of Fame. They were a big part of baseball and the Hall should just put up a special plaque for them – making it bigger and bigger each year.
Lotto luck: There’s some doubt about whether a Powerball winner actually used the numbers of his favorite Royals’ players on his ticket to help him win millions – mainly because of the proximity of the words Royals and winner.
Brave new world: Outfielder B.J. Upton signed with the Braves for over $75 million. Normally it’s a lot less than that to get a B.J. in Atlanta.
Nails nailed, again: Former New York Mets star Lenny Dykstra received an additional 6.5 months for federal bankruptcy fraud – current players aren’t the only ones getting contract extensions.
Hairy situation: The San Francisco Giants have decided not to re-sign pitcher Brian Wilson – but they did sign his beard to a two-year deal.
Auction Jackson: Legendary former shortstop Ozzie Smith sold his 13 Gold Gloves for over $500K – it’s hard to resist those late-night Cash 4 Gold commercials.
Derek eater: Recent photos reveal a rather chubby Derek Jeter while rehabbing his broken ankle – though you can hardly blame him for switching to MVP Miguel Cabrera’s donut-based training regimen.
Extra Innings
College kids: The 2012 Heisman Trophy finalists were announced. Collin Klein, Johnny Manziel and Manti Te’o will all travel to New York to see who will get the honor of having this award to auction off later in their lives.
Pope springs eternal: The Pope now has a Twitter account. He wanted to find a way to connect to the people, to spread Catholicism and hear more fart jokes.
Royal rumblings: Reports indicate that Prince William’s wife Kate Middleton is pregnant. But there is speculation that she just had some bad Thai food.
Drug free: Lindsay Lohan has stated firmly that she “does not need rehab” – unless they have a lot of cool drugs there.
More Lohan: Hopefully one day Lindsay can pull it together and rise like a phoenix from her cigarette ashes.
Girl named sue: Shakira is being sued by her former boyfriend/business manager. The lawsuit claims that though her hips may not lie, she does.
Trade secrets: Rob Kardashian accused his ex-girlfriend Rita Ora of cheating on him to further her career – a clear infringement of the proprietary Kardashian Business Plan™.
She’s swift: One Direction’s Harry Styles and Taylor Swift are now romantically linked. Doesn’t this guy know that this is only going to end in tears and tons of free publicity?
