Contributors: Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of March 10, 2013 …
No mo’ Mo: Mariano Rivera set to retire after 2013 at the behest of his great-great grandchildren who are in high school.
Eastbound and down: Manny Ramirez is heading off to play in Taiwan saying, “me love paychecks long time.”
More Manny: So, I guess steroids are legal in Taiwan?
Hard rocks: At the team’s spring training facility in Arizona, Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin is recovering from being stung by a scorpion. It rocked him like a hurricane.
North and South: In the World Baseball Classic, the teams for Mexico and Canada got into a hockey fight, no penalties were given out.
More Mex vs. Can: The fight started when Team Mexico’s manager interpreted Team Canada’s manager unprovoked apology as fighting words.
Yank this: Mark Teixeira will miss eight to 10 weeks with a strained right wrist. He will make more money in those eight to 10 weeks than I will make in my entire life, and now it’s time to drink the pain away.
Never ever: Jim Leyland says he won’t retire after this seasons. He believes he can still lose more World Series.
More Leyland: He won’t retire despite his own admission that he’s “too old for this [expletive deleted].”
Even more Leyland: He won’t retire, but no word, however, on whether or not he will finish turning to stone.
S.O.S.: The Yankees have made inquiries about Chipper Jones’ interest in coming out of retirement to play third base for the Yankees. Jones declined, so the Yankees are trying to contact Brett Favre.
More Yankee hating: GM Brian Cashman might also want to check in with Kevin Costner, Robert Redford or Dennis Quaid.
Wing clip: Rafael Furcal is out for the season with Tommy John surgery. The team was disappointed to see Rafael go, but delighted at instantly being better without him.
Aubout time: Aubrey Huff says that he is “pretty much retired.” Aubrey also thinks Barack Obama has a good chance of being elected the country’s first African-American president.
Extra Innings
Favorite position: Tiger Woods back on top. This is not a sex joke.
Do stop Beliebing: Justin Bieber cancelled tour dates in Portugal because he’s “exhausted” – and he has the munchies.
Headline fixed: Rocker Vince Neil Forced from Stage by Kidney Stones and “Sucking in General.”
Princess diary: Carrie Fisher joined the new Star Wars cast – but this time as Yoda.
Thanks, farmers: Daylight Savings Time went into effect as most of the U.S. sprung forward one hour, causing 80 million car owners to punch the clock in their car in anger.
More Daylight Savings Time: We lose an hour? More like Daylight Losings Time!
Fast food derby: Now there’s a report that there’s horsemeat in Taco Bell’s food? Incredible. So I guess the lesson to be learned here is that horsemeat is delicious!
