As 2011 comes to a close and the hope of a brighter 2012 dawns, people are making all sorts of resolutions.
Some people vow to lose weight; others to make more money. A New Year’s resolution to be a better spouse or parent is always a good thing. Not to be outdone by all the folks who will show up at the gym the first week of January, I am also making some resolutions for 2012.
While I know that Through The Fence Baseball readers don’t care about my personal resolutions, I am also making some baseball-related New Year’s resolutions. So, without further ado, here are my Major League Baseball resolutions for 2012:
• I resolve to watch as much of Kevin Millar as possible this year. I absolutely love this guy on MLB Network! Millar is so funny, and his insight from being a former MLB player is refreshing. Sure, Millar is full of himself, but he manages to have enough of a self-deprecating approach that it doesn’t bother me.
• I resolve to get some therapy for my attitude towards the Anaheim Angels. I know they’re technically called the “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim,” but those words are not allowed to be uttered in my house. I would like to say that I hate the Angels, but my dad didn’t like me using that word when I was growing up … so, I despise the Angels with great intensity, and I need to calm down. Of course, if the Angels win it all after signing Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, all bets are off and I’m allowed to despise them as much as I want in 2012 and beyond!
• I resolve to apply for a job in the Marketing Department of the Miami Marlins. Why? Because that’s gotta be the cushiest gig in all of MLB. Anyone who can tell the Marlins upper management that the new uniform design looks good and still keep his or her job has it made. I would have loved to be in the meetings where the new Miami uniform design was presented. “What do you think of this exciting new design?” Me: “The new colors look like a peacock lost a fight with a badger.”
• I resolve to try to contact Casey Blake to find out how he grows such a perfect beard. Blake, who recently signed with the Colorado Rockies, is pushing 40. However, Blake still rocks a flawless beard! There’s hardly a gray hair to be found (does he color it? Who cares?). There may be more interesting MLB beards – Brian Wilson, Ryan Franklin, Jose Valverde – but no other player sports more perfectly manicured facial hair than Blake. The only way someone else could steal the mantle of best beard in MLB would be if infomercial legend Billy Mays came back to join the big leagues. Rest in peace, Billy!
• I resolve to start a new organization for overweight MLB players who still manage to perform at a high level. I’m going to call my organization (it will be for profit, don’t even try to suggest a non-profit deal!) “FART.” FART will stand for “Fatties Able to Run and Throw.” Heading this organization in 2012 will be the following players: Juan Uribe of the Los Angeles Dodgers; Bobby Jenks of the Boston Red Sox; CC Sabathia and Bartolo Colon of the New York Yankees; Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs; Jonathan Broxton of the Kansas City Royals; free agent Prince Fielder; Pablo Sandoval of the San Francisco Giants; Carlos Lee of the Houston Astros; and David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox. The goal of the organization will be to recruit fringe fatties who are just a few Quarter Pounders away from the promised land.
Here’s wishing each and every one of you (yes, even the Anaheim Angels’ fans!) a Happy New Year. May your favorite team still be in contention after the All-Star break!
