Some people see the cup has half-full. Others see the cup as half-empty. I’m different. I see the cup as half-full – of crap.
I am, by nature, a fairly disgruntled person. Most of my friends and family are okay with this. The people that aren’t cool with my negative gruntle-ness just stop inviting me to their barbeques and scavenger hunts and kid’s Easter egg hunts. So, yeah, it’s worked out pretty great for me.
And it is in this spirit of disgruntle-tude that I present to you a gift: this season’s very best of the very worst in baseball.
Worst manager: Jim Tracy
The Colorado Rockies manager has been one of the worst for some time. He should really change his name to “are you kidding me, Jim Tracy?” This year he was able to guide his team to a much worse record than they deserved.
Worst pitcher: John Lackey
The Boston Red Sox pitcher not only had the worst year by any pitcher this year, he had one of the top 10 worst seasons in the history of baseball. And all for the low, low price of $15 million.
Worst batter: Adam Dunn
More like Adam “Done.” Get it? Those two words sound the same. Whatever. Write your own column. Anyway, I covered this thoroughly here. I hope he works things out next season if the White Sox let him play again. Of course, if they don’t, he can cry himself to sleep on his giant money pillow.
Worst fielder: Mark Reynolds
It would have been easy to put Derek Jeter here out of spite, and he’s certainly worthy of the label “one of the worst fielders.” My softball team would sometimes ask guys to come out to play when we were shorthanded just so we could field a full team. They usually weren’t very good, but having them on the field stopped the other team from hitting to the empty position. We called them “pylons.” Baltimore’s Mark Reynolds is worse than a pylon.
Worst stadium: Tropicana Field
Again, this is not out of spite. Tampa Bay’s stadium is horrible and when you’re there, it feels like you are watching a video game – live. “The Trop” will always win this award until the day when it is blown to pieces by an angel of mercy.
Worst umpire: All of them
Time for robots, people. Or computers or whatever. I wrote about it here. I’m not even joking.
Worst beard: Brian Wilson
The San Francisco Giants’ closer was injured for a lot of the season, but one constant remained: that nasty, awful, disgusting beard. However, Brian also wins best beard.
Worst mustache: Derek Holland
The Texas Rangers’ pitcher has a mustache that’s almost the same as my friend Miguel had at Walter Reed Junior High. Of course, the actual recipient of this award is Michael Jordan and his “Germanic dictator circa 1941” mustache. That mustache is the Michael Jordan of bad mustaches.
Worst tattoo: Ryan Roberts
With dozens and dozens of tattoos, I think it’s safe to assume that the versatile Arizona Diamondbacks’ player has lost way too many bets. Slow down Ryan; it’s okay if some of your skin isn’t inked. But, please don’t kill me.
Worst injury: Brett Cecil
The Toronto Blue Jays’ pitcher cut his hand while “cleaning a blender” late in the season. Earlier he hurt his hand while “chopping up chickens.” Time for this guy to learn about “restaurants.”
Worst offense: Seattle Mariners
Again. We might have to rename this one the Seattle Mariners award. This team just makes too many outs. Let’s clear something up here: “making out” with a person is a good thing; “making outs” is a bad thing – for a baseball team. Okay, “making out” is also bad for a baseball team.
Worst defense: New York Mets
Bud Selig has done a nice job of making sure that nobody talks about the absolute mess that his buddy Fred Wilpon’s organization is in – on the field and off. This sounds like one of those things where Fred remembers where they buried that hooker. As a note, the Cleveland Indians were a close second place in worst-ness on defense and that helps explain their fall from first place.
Worst pitching: Baltimore Orioles
They went into the season with some of the best young pitchers in the league and there’s always going to be an adjustment period before their potential manifests itself. The whole season was “adjustment period” with no signs of that potential coming anywhere near the ballpark. Except when they beat the Red Sox at the end of the season. No, I’m not bitter. Yes, I am.
Worst team: Houston Astros
The Astros were bad on defense, offense and pitching. However, they weren’t the absolute worst in any one category, but they were very easily the worst team. You know that expression “jack of all trades – master of none”? That’s the Astros – except about crappiness.
Worst GM: Ed Wade
When you’re responsible for creating the worst team in baseball, it’s actually called destroying a team. I’ve always liked the Astros. I have friends from Houston. Ed left the Phillies and they started winning. Ed arrived in Houston and found a way to make the Astros a living metaphor for the area’s intense smog and oppressive humidity.
Worst owner: Frank McCourt
The Los Angeles Dodgers’ soon-to-be former owner (fingers crossed) has made himself one of the most hated men in Los Angeles – a town with shady politicians, violent gangs and devious entertainment industry people. I wrote about his awfulness here. He is the Morgellons disease of owners – if you Google this, do not look for pictures of it.
Worst announcer: Joe Buck
This award will be his for as long as he keeps showing up on my TV. I actually was able to avoid him the entire season thanks to my TV’s mute button. I spoke harshly about him here. Maybe we can get NASCAR to hire him. Those fans are all too drunk to care what people are saying. Or maybe he could announce soccer games – though I don’t know how much experience he has with women’s sports.
If you feel like I left something out, let me know. Don’t keep it bottled up inside you. It’s okay to let it out. You’ll feel better. I know I do.