Contributors: Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of May 12, 2013 …
Papi don’t preach: Boston’s David Ortiz said he was “hurt” by a report suggesting he used PEDs. But it’s okay, because he’s got some PEDs he can take that’ll ease the pain.
Cool it now: Jack Morris claims that Clay Buchholz is “cool” with his apology for accusing him of throwing a spitball pitch. Morris said he came to this conclusion when he saw Buchholz wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.
True blue: With the Dodgers off to a terrible start, Tommy Lasorda publicly defended Don Mattingly’s management of the team. But let’s not get carried away here, the 85-year-old Lasorda has been calling everyone “Don” for the last decade.
More Mattingly: Insiders speculate that Lasorda just wants to keep Mattingly around because Don is the only one who can keep up with Lasorda’s legendary pasta-eating ability.
Even more Mattingly: There’s also a really good chance that Lasorda thinks Don Mattingly is actually just a pasta dish.
He’s no angel: Umpire Angel Hernandez incorrectly ruled that an A’s flyball was not a home run against the Indians. It turns out when he went to check the video replay, he was actually just catching up on Game of Thrones.
Hard to swallow: Sadly, a fan died at Wrigley Field after choking on a hot dog. You’d think the medics at Wrigley Field would be used to dealing with choking.
Spin Doc: Roy Halladay apologized to fans following his recent shoulder surgery – showing he understands it’s a good idea to appease Philadelphia residents. He even apologized after his no-hitter in the 2010 NLDS for not keeping the game competitive.
Ump in da club: Umpire Fieldin Culbreth and his crew were suspended for two games for allowing an improper pitching change during an Astros game. The ump stated, “I wanted a break anyway to catch up on my Japanese Erotica video tape collection.” MLB subsequently suspended him a little more.
More Culbreth: During their suspension, Culbreth’s crew will be used exclusively for judgments on video replay during all Oakland A’s games.
Hat trick: Last week, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Titus Young was arrested three times. In one week. You can take the player out of Detroit but you can’t keep the Lions out of jail.
A cut above: Bucs cornerback Ronde Barber is retiring after a 16-year career. He plans going back to school to become Ronde Hair Stylist.
Icy hot: The Boston Bruins beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in a dramatic winner-take-all game seven. After the loss, the citizens of Toronto took to the streets, angrily apologizing at each other. At brick walls. Anything to ease this pain.
Soccer MC: Sir Alex Ferguson is stepping down as coach of Manchester United after 26 years. That’s 104 in soccer years!
Don’t hate the player: Tiger Woods won the Players Championship on Sunday after ending Saturday in a three-way tie for first … Of course, these days, most of Tiger’s Saturdays end with a three-way.
Keeping abreast: Actress Angelina Jolie revealed that she had a double mastectomy because she had a high risk of cancer. Also, she thought it was only fair after removing Brad Pitt’s balls.
Tons of fun: Photos show that Kim Kardashian is now eating for two. And sometimes she has an extra desert on account of being pregnant.
More Kim K: Does anyone even know what the gestation period is for a Kardashian?
Art house: Singer Chris Brown’s neighbors have complained about his “monster” street-side paintings and the city is demanding he remove the art. Brown is standing his ground and plans to fight City Hall as long as they are all women.
Old school: Barbara Walters is set to retire from The View. She will be replaced by a much younger host: anyone.
Late shift: With Jay Leno retiring from the Tonight Show, NBC announced that Late Night host Jimmy Fallon will be the new Tonight Show host and that SNL writer Seth Meyers will be the new Late Night host and that Leno will take over Conan’s job at TBS.