Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz, Jon Sumple, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of October 14, 2012 …
Special report
Freefalling! Daredevil Felix Baumgartner did a freefall from space, 24 miles above the Earth’s surface while I sat on my couch and watched baseball games.
Space jump quick hits
Upon landing, his girlfriend said, “Oh, could you do that again, babe? I missed it – I was updating my Facebook status.”
Baumgartner was falling so fast that not only did he break the sound barrier, he also broke the Lindsay Lohan barrier.
He got to his anticipated altitude in a giant balloon. To see pictures of it, Google “Barry Bonds’ Head.”
It was a record-setting altitude for a freefall, though it was just slightly higher than Jose Valverde’s earned run average.
He was falling almost as fast as Robinson Cano’s playoff batting average.
Back to baseball
Agony of the feet: The bad news is that Derek Jeter broke his ankle during the first game of the ALCS with Detroit. The good news is that it didn’t change the way he plays shortstop.
D.C. comics: The Washington Nationals looked like they were going to breeze into the next round of the playoffs and then they suddenly gave up four runs to the Cardinals in the top of the ninth inning. Thanks a lot, Obama!
Save me: Jose Valverde blew a four-run lead in the ninth inning against the Yankees and it looks like his days as the Detroit closer are over. Maybe he should just stay in New York. There’s a lot of folks there that like to get blown.
Yankee yanked: New York manager Joe Girardi benched the struggling Alex Rodriguez for the final game of the ALDS. He added, about his hitting, “It’s definitely in there, we’ve just got to get it to come out.” Good luck, Joe. We’ve all been expecting ARod to come out for some time.
Playoff confusion: In San Francisco on Sunday, the Giants won and the Giants lost, losing to the Cardinals, not of Arizona but of St. Louis meaning not the Rams but the reigning World Champions, but not the other World Champions because they’re from New York where the Giants used to be from but aren’t anymore.
Rocky Mountain huh? Colorado is reportedly considering Jason Giambi as their new manager. It’s like that old expression: “If you want to look skinny, hang out with fat people.” So, if you want to look like a viable managerial candidate, hang out with Jim Tracy.
Him again? Despite once again overseeing one of the worst playoff collapses in baseball history, the Reds have extended manager Dusty Baker for two more years. And then there was a terrible disturbance as if millions of pitching arms suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
Extra Innings
Bucking Broncos: During their Monday Night Football collapse, somebody should have told Norv Turner that they can throw to people besides Antonio Gates. Also that he’s the head coach of the San Diego Chargers.
Dog days: The Eagles’ Michael Vick has admitted to having a new dog. When asked for comment the dog said, “I’m not worried. If he tries to drown me, I think it’s safe to assume he’s going to fumble.”
The real dope: Lance Armstrong allegedly forced other riders to use PEDs, threatening to beat them up after gym class or stuff them in their lockers.
More Armstrong: Wow, he’s really taking his whole “Live Strong” thing a bit too seriously.
Paper Mike: Mike Tyson is set to publish a memoir next summer about his life. It will be called “Can you ear me God? It’s me, Mike.”
Ice ice baby: This weekend Jennifer Aniston was spotted at Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles having a romantic dinner with a HUGE engagement ring. Also Justin Theroux was there.
Golden globes: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are set to replace Ricky Gervais as host of the next Golden Globe Awards. Great. They’re replacing one boob with four.
Mean girls: Lindsay Lohan was allegedly involved in a fist fight with her mom Dina Lohan. Looks like Dina really wants to get that Worst Mom Award away from Casey Anthony.
