The Hot Corner: Andy Pettitte, Yasiel Puig, Jason Collins


Banner for The Hot Corner by Jed Rigney -- Jason Collins

Contributors: Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz

The hottest topics for the week of April 28, 2013 …

The only two Miami Marlins fans in the world.
(Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Flawless victory: The Astros snapped their losing skid and pounded New York pitcher Andy Pettitte. The Yankees aren’t sure what happened with Pettitte and are just waiting for the coroner’s report.

Miami heat: In a contest that could have gone either way on Monday, the Marlins prevailed over the Mets in a tight 15-inning matchup. Both Marlins fans were ecstatic!

Dodger blues: Frank McCourt’s ex-wife wants Dodgers divorce settlement tossed, as well as her salad, by an endless line of Cuban pool boys.

Fast times: The Phillies activated Carlos Ruiz after his suspension for use of a banned amphetamine. But he immediately aroused suspicions when he stated, “Hey-guys-how’s-going-so-glad-to-be-here-missed-you-guys-let’s-get-out-there-hey-let’s-play-two!”

Wacky tobacky: Home plate umpire Brian O’Nora delayed a game so he could vomit after swallowing his chewing tobacco – and thinking about Rosie O’Donnell taking a shower.

More O’Nora: At first he made a gurgling, choking sound behind the plate and everyone just assumed he was calling a strike.

Do what works: John Lackey pitched for just the second time since Tommy John surgery – beating the Astros handily. The Red Sox were so encouraged they have already scheduled his next surgery.

Going south: The St. Louis Cardinals have demoted struggling left-handed reliever Marc Rzepczynski to the minor leagues to work on buying a vowel.

Little big man: David Price took an unusual route in complaining about an umpire swearing at him by telling his mommy.

Blues brothers: Dodgers prospect Yasiel Puig got arrested for speeding, reckless driving and driving without proof of insurance. Hey, that’s the same way GM Ned Colletti runs the team!

More Puig: Police say he went “almost double” the speed limit early Sunday and that he was the designated driver. We can only assume the passenger was Lindsay Lohan … Or Billy Joel, am I right, reader Ellen K. who last week chastised me for having the audacity to besmirch Mr. Joel’s good name?

Even More Puig: Reece Witherspoon called the arresting officer and demanded to know if he knew who she was!

Extra Innings

Pride and prejudice: If Jason Collins is gay, then why did he choose a career where he’d touch, rub and hold other men all day and then have to shower with them?

More Jason Collins: A career backup center, Jason Collins became the first active player in a major American sport to admit that he’s gay. Man, it’s amazing the excuses people come up with to explain why they’re bad at something.

Even More Jason Collins: Jason Collins also announced the title of his upcoming autobiography: “Around the Rim and In!

Plan B? The Lakers got swept out of the first round of the NBA playoffs for the first time in decades. During the fourth quarter, the good seats were all empty as B-list stars wandered around downtown L.A. looking for another way to be on TV.

More Lakers: Dwight Howard is now finally free to pursue his true passion: dance.

Yo, Adrian! A musical version of Rocky is headed to Broadway – the effects of Jason Collins’ announcement being felt immediately.

Catfishing: The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o in the second round. Or did they?!?

A separation: The gossip blogs are reporting that country music star Jason Aldean filed for divorce from his wife Jessica Ussery amid reports that even she had never heard of him.

99 problems: The founder of the 99 Cent Store passed away at 80 – 19 years short of his goal. The autopsy revealed he died from mistakenly using items from a 99 Cent Store.

 

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  1. Rollies, Thanks for the vote of confidence! But watch out! Theo has a distaste for unconventional hair. You could be next.

  2. So the first time he went it doesn’t count? Maybe he didn’t inhale.

    And you’re so right about Elton John! How could someone who has a hairpiece be right about something like that even though he toured with him for months and has a history of helping other celebrities with abuse problems find their way.

    He probably isn’t even really a ROCKET MAN!

    Maybe YOU are the real humorist here.

  3. Been visiting this site going on two years, and I can attest that Mr. Rigney is indeed a humorist. Friggin’ hysterical. Which is being proven over and over by commenters being baited into debating him in this ongoing saga. The comments may be funnier than the actual column! Keep up the good work Jed!

  4. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  5. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  6. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  7. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  8. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  9. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  10. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  11. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  12. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  13. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  14. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  15. Billy Joel only went to rehab once. The first time he tried to go the press swarmed the facilities and he left after two days. And as far what Elton John said about him – that is about as believable as the poor dead animal on his head that he tries to pass off as hair.

    Also here are reams of misinformation readily available on Google for those who chose to find it.

    As for you calling yourself a humorist – that would be for the readers to decide, wouldn’t it?

  16. First of all, PLEASE DO NOT EVER ASSUME THAT WHAT I WRITE IS FACT! I am a humorist, not a news reporter.

    Second, what am I wrong about exactly? I have never accused Billy Joel of having a DUI.

    However, he is a known alcoholic – with two trips to rehab already under his belt. Now you can choose to not believe this because I have written it, but then you will also want to avoid Google.com where this information is readily available.

    And you DEFINITELY don’t want to read what Elton John said about him being an alcoholic.

  17. It appears to me that you’re the one with the problem, Mr. Rigney. Some people just can’t admit that they might be wrong. You’re obviously one of them. From now on, anything else you write will be difficult for me to accept as fact.

  18. That’s a very sound explanation about what happened.

    And it would be very easy to believe that story if Mr. Joel didn’t have a drinking problem.

  19. Billy Joel didn’t crash “into a house’. His car, an old Citroen Deux Chaveaux, slid off the road in the rain when he hit the brakes and the front of the car grazed a concrete abutment near the corner of a house that sits right at the edge of the road.

    No one was hurt and there was no damage to the house other than a small mark on the painted concrete. No charges or lawsuits were filed and that would have been the end of it except for the vultures in media.

    Joel checked into a rehab facility over a year after that incident.

    But the celebrity “crashing into a house” version makes a better tabloid story, doesn’t it?

  20. Billy Joel didn’t crash “into a house’. His car, an old Citroen Deux Chaveaux, slid off the road in the rain when he hit the brakes and the front of the car grazed a concrete abutment near the corner of a house that sits right at the edge of the road.

    No one was hurt and there was no damage to the house other than a small mark on the painted concrete. No charges or lawsuits were filed and that would have been the end of it except for the vultures in media.

    Joel checked into a rehab facility over a year after that incident.

    But the celebrity “crashing into a house” version makes a better tabloid story, doesn’t it?

  21. Thanks for the insight! I guess I’ll have to just continue not accusing him of having a DUI.
    BUT…

    Is it also a myth that he crashed a car into a house and then checked into rehab right after?
    OH SNAP!

  22. FYI: Billy Joel has never been accused of, arrested for, or convicted of D.U.I.
    That is a myth that has been repeated so often people assume it’s the truth.

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