Contributors: Zach Pennington, Eliza Bayne, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
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The hottest topics for the week of March 17, 2013 …
USA! USA! The U.S. Team was knocked out of World Baseball Classic making it very easy for American baseball fans to continue not caring about the World Baseball Classic.
Red light special: The Netherlands made the World Baseball Classic semifinals! But they came up short – probably because they ran out of hookers and hashish.
Karma police: San Francisco pitcher Barry Zito got duped out of $3 million in a fitness software scheme. So, now he knows how the Giants feel.
Big time: CC Sabathia finally made his spring debut. I guess they finally shut down the buffet.
Surprisingly gentle: MLB has announced that it will probe players linked to Biogenesis. But in accordance with the most recent CBA, they’ll use rubber gloves and plenty of lubricant.
Hot-blooded: Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay has been ill, but he claims he should make his first start of the season. And after all, he is a “Doc” … see? Because that’s his nickname: “Doc” Halladay. Come on, you have no idea how tired I am right now.
That’s so Raven: If I ever win a major award, I’m taking a cue from the Baltimore Ravens and selling everything I own to go live in a box under a bridge.
Music man: Rapper Lil Wayne remains in critical status after being hospitalized for multiple strokes. If he dies, he will become the first rapper ever to die from non-drive-by shooting causes.
Crying with the Stars: Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough have reportedly split up. Not surprising. I never thought it was a good match for Seacrest, since Julianne isn’t much of a homosexual man.
Pope springs eternal: I’m glad they finally chose a new Pope. Out with the old, in with the new old.
More Pope: White smoke continues to emerge from the chimneys of the Sistine chapel, indicating to the world that the new Pope loves brunch.