The hottest topics for the week of October 9, 2011 …
End game: Alex Rodriguez struck out to end the Yankees’ season. When reached for comment on his yacht cruising the Bahamas accompanied by the Brazilian swimsuit team, A-Rod said, “I feel awful about the whole thing … and also we’re out of limes.”
More Alex: A-Rod’s detractors gleefully enjoyed his dismal performance in the series. However, his one supporter, a 12-year-old, home-schooled student named Megan, counters that he has very pretty eyes.
Rain of error: After not postponing a game because of rain in New York that they should have, MLB did postpone a game in Texas for rain that did not fall … Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Umbrella hats!
Wide load: Ryan Howard exploded his Achilles tendon in his last at bat in the Phillies series. His five-year contract extension starts next year, which should give him plenty of time to eventually reach first base.
Moving on: Andy MacPhail “decided to leave” as Orioles general manager. He joins other notables who have also “decided to leave,” like David Lee Roth, Shelley Long and Richard Nixon.
New kid on the block: Robin Ventura was hired to be the White Sox manager despite having zero coaching experience at any level of baseball. But the team was blown away by his heart-wrenching, one-man performance of “Bull Durham.”
Sausage fest: This weekend a fan threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods during a golf tournament – which was surprising since Tiger is used to being the one throwing his wiener around.
We don’t got next: The NBA canceled the first two weeks of the season and Commissioner David Stern assured fans that the owners really care and that they are trying to resolve this and that these are not the droids you are looking for.
Tebow time: The Broncos are expected to name Tim Tebow the starting QB after he almost sparked a comeback victory. The timing is good since Tim will have the bye week to learn reading defenses, pocket presence, footwork and basic throwing.
Sunshine state: For the first time in 30 years, no Florida teams are in the College Top 25. Many people suspect that this is because of the increased scrutiny of shady recruiting tactics. Many people are right.
All my lovin’: Paul McCartney got married again this week. After his last wife, this girl has a big shoe to fill, but she already has a leg up on the situation because love is afoot.
R.I.P. Al Davis
R.I.P. 1: Oakland Raiders’ owner Al Davis passed away Saturday, throwing out all conventional wisdom about zombies not being able to die.
R.I.P. 2: In honor of Al Davis passing, Raiders fans observed a moment of silence by beating up a Houston fan without making a sound.
R.I.P. 3: The Raiders defeated the Texans in honor of Al Davis today, marking the first time someone died before an Oakland win.
R.I.P. 4: In a related story, famed vampire slayer Van Helsing returned to Europe successful, but visibly shaken, from a recent trip to America to fight an ancient, unspeakable evil.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz