The hottest topics for the week of December 11, 2011 …
Angels and diamonds: Albert Pujols signed a $250 million 10-year contract this week with the L.A. Angels, the last two years of which include a small deferral for AARP membership fees.
More Pujols: St. Louis Cardinals fans who are distraught can take heart: Pujols is a lot like Madonna – one of the best of all time, who aged super fast and lost all semblance of talent.
Enhanced performance: Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun tested positive for a banned substance and faces a 50-game suspension. He claims it’s an error – he accidentally gave his own urine for the test.
More Braun: Many media outlets and almost a dozen fans nationwide are clamoring for Ryan to be stripped of his MVP Award for his transgression and are demanding to see his birth certificate.
Miami blues: Hanley Ramirez is upset that Marlins signed Jose Reyes to replace him at shortstop. Hey, Hanley, since we’re airing our grievances here, I’m upset you single-handedly sank my fantasy baseball team. If you want to keep your position, try not sucking.
I need a hero: Harrison Ford may play legendary baseball man Branch Rickey in a movie. It’s a weird choice, but I’m curious to see how Rickey revolutionized baseball and also how he saves his wife and family.
Yu gotta believe: Well, it’s official: Yu Darvish is coming to Major League Baseball! There was some question about whether he was going to play in the U.S. The question was: “Where will I put my giant stacks of money?”
Shopping spree: Ned Colletti signed the below-average Aaron Harang for $12 million – more useless, over-priced crap – so, the Dodgers are now the Home Shopping Network of teams.
Trial of the century: Prosecutors are seeking 15 months for Barry Bonds. Yeah, they’re still doing that thing. Ok, we get the message: the government knows how to waste money.
In Tebow we trust: Have you guys heard that Tim Tebow keeps winning games? Dial it down, media. You’re coming on too strong. Just ask him out already.
Winning: The Green Bay Packers are undefeated on the season and are very close to setting the record for the most people who don’t care at all about something that’s pretty cool.
Blocked: The Lakers, Hornets and Rockets had their blockbuster trade strangely vetoed by Commissioner David Stern who then chased all the neighbor kids off his lawn with a shotgun.
Mrs. Kardashian: The Lakers traded Lamar Odom to the Dallas Mavericks. Some people think this was about his declining talent or a salary dump, but the team assured us this move was in the works “ever since that f***ing TV show.”
Classy lady: Lindsey Lohan’s Playboy pictures were leaked online. So, if you’ve been on the Internet in the last week, you probably have an STD.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Justin Workman, Stephen Arenholtz