The hottest topics for the week of January 2, 2012 …
Blood simple: The Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez traveled to Germany for an experimental treatment called Orthokine Blood Therapy. Also, I think that’s the title of the next “Twilight” movie.
Hitting the town: The Cubs hired Bill Buckner as a minor league hitting coach – with a special emphasis on high-percentage grounders down the first base line.
Out to pasture: Melvin Mora announced his retirement from baseball this week, stating he wanted to spend more time with his family and less time with his no team wants him.
Miami advice: The Marlins’ Hanley Ramirez says he will accept the switch to third base necessitated by the team adding Jose Reyes at shortstop. And he will also “accept” the millions of dollars he’s getting paid for it. So brave.
Snakes on a boat: While on a fishing trip in Brazil, Phillies’ pitcher Roy Halladay helped save a local fisherman from an anaconda attack. Yes, this happened. Read it again. Now maybe it’s time to do something with your life.
Yes, same joke as last week: San Diego has traded for the oft-injured and shaky fielding Carlos Quentin. Man, it’s going to be awkward when the Diamondbacks Padres find out that the National League doesn’t use the designated hitter.
Back in the saddle: The Rangers’ Josh Hamilton says that despite the tragic incident that resulted in a fan’s death, he will continue tossing balls to fans … I guess he’s developed a taste for it.
More Hamilton: He will continue tossing balls to fans … but only at away games.
More Hamilton: He will continue tossing balls to fans … so, the team suggests fans continue to bring their gloves and also their safety harnesses.
The taxman cometh: The IRS is seeking $670,000 from the Yankees’ Hal Steinbrenner for taxes. Hal countered he was unaware the IRS had a small market team. (See, because of the league’s luxury taxes. Ugh, I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling under the weather and this sounded totally hilarious in my head.)
See you next season: The Chargers’ Norv Turner and Eagles’ Andy Reid will not be fired despite very disappointing seasons for their teams – both were controversial decisions that were whole-heartedly supported by the fans … of every other team.
Cowboy up: Dallas failed to make the playoffs once again. The team started off quite well and then fell apart after a series of questionable plays by the team’s decision-makers – proving they really are “America’s Team.”
Butt seriously: Kim Kardashian got paid $600,000 to host a New Year’s Eve event in Las Vegas. Where is the Occupy Kardashian movement we so desperately need? There’s lots of shade for all protesters.
Apocalypse now: “The Bachelor” Season 16 premiered this week. Really, America? 16 seasons? We are now officially as dumb as we look.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz