Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of February 3, 2013 …
Breaking news: Alex Rodriguez has been linked to an HGH clinic. In other news, Beyonce is widely considered to be sexually attractive.
More A-Rod: The Yankees are trying to keep Alex Rodriguez’s rehab location secret. They want to keep the paparazzi away, and this will make hiding his body a lot easier.
Pack your bags: Houston traded one of their only experienced players, shortstop Jed Lowrie, to the Oakland Athletics for a handful of minor leaguers – or as the Astros call them: “major leaguers.”
Back in the saddle: Derek Jeter had his first on-field workout since his injury. He was spotted afterwards having sex with several extremely attractive women.
Caribbean king: Legendary pitcher Fernando Valenzuela was elected to the Caribbean Hall of Fame. Before you call to congratulate him you should know he was elected for “taking it easy, mon.”
Revenge of the nerds: California Institute of Technology’s baseball team ended a 228-game losing streak. They celebrated by giving each other wedgies.
Presidential race: William Howard Taft joins other ex-presidents this season for the mid-game races at Nationals Park. Let’s hope he doesn’t screw things up like he did with the Payne-Aldrich Tariff.
Down under: The Padres signed Adam Buschini to a minor league contract after he won the Triple Crown in the Australian Baseball League. Over 42 games for the Canberra Cavalry, Buschini hit .363 with 15 dingo fights and 13 crocodile kills.
Blue blood: Dodgers pitcher Chad Billingsley says he’s feeling great as he recovers from surgery for an elbow injury. He also says he can smell colors and his new best friend is a dancing hobbit with a scruffy beard – probably just the morphine talking.
Three blind mice: Barry Bonds’ appeal of his felony obstruction of justice conviction will be heard by three federal judges. If they deny his appeal, Barry will have to serve 30 days of house arrest and pay a $4,000 fine – not to mention the additional fees for paying his manicurist to come visit him at his multi-million dollar mansion.
Super Bowl: I knew Harbaugh would win.
Super Blackout: There was a 30-minute delay in the middle of the game due to a blackout in the stadium. During that time, Ray Lewis murdered four people and cried 16 times.
More blackout: And where the hell was FEMA?
Super Beyonce: The halftime show featured a performance by Beyonce that showed off her incredible voice, her dynamic stage presence and her dedication to charity by letting the other girls from Destiny’s Child perform with her.
Super dumb: GoDaddy’s controversial commercial showed a makeout scene with model Bar Rafaeli as part of a new company slogan: “We don’t care if we offend women because they don’t use computers and are dumb-dumbs.”
More Rafaeli: Google estimated the commercial caused a 900% increase in search results for “Bar Rafaeli” which coincides exactly with the 900% increase in blood flow to my nether regions.
‘Til death: The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa have cancelled their divorce. Kobe is hoping they’ll be able to work everything out in time for the playoffs so Vanessa can come in off the bench.
Melee World Peace: Brandon Knight claims he was punched by the Lakers’ Metta World Peace during a game. You think that was bad, Brandon? Wait ’til you see how Metta deals with snitches.
Dr. Feelgood: Adult film legend Ron Jeremy was hospitalized for heart problems. I assume he had an erection lasting longer than four hours.
More Jeremy: Wait! Hospitalized? I’m pretty sure that’s how most of his “films” start.
Even more Jeremy: This was a strange turn of events for Jeremy, who’s not used to being the one laying there motionless while getting poked over and over by people who don’t have an emotional connection and are just trying to get their jobs done.