Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of June 30, 2013 …
The first step: Alex Rodriguez has been cleared by the New York Yankees to begin rehab on Tuesday. And here’s hoping that Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan will join him.
We need a hero: MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was honored with a humanitarian award. The award was brought onstage by several Dominican children of suspect age who were shooting each other up with steroids.
Arrrrgh you kidding me? Pirates won nine games in a row and signed Johnny Depp to bat seventh as Captain Jack Sparrow, and now plan on winning at least nine more games this season.
More Pirates: The Pirates have won nine games in a row and have the best record in baseball. People! This is how the zombie outbreak starts!
Finger licking good: Pitcher Josh Beckett is out for the season. He plans on drinking beer and eating chicken in the Dodgers’ dugout for the remainder of the season. So, pretty much nothing is changing.
French fried: Outfielder and “easy out” Jeff Francouer has finally been designated for assignment, and while it’s unclear where he’ll hend up, we sure as hell know he won’t be walking.
Yer outta here! Rangers pitcher Derek Holland got ejected from a Counting Crows concert. He says it was for taking too many pictures just to make it sound even more embarrassing.
Pay for play: Yasiel Puig set the L.A. rookie mark for hits in a month. The Dodgers have already given him a billion-dollar contract extension.
They’re back! Twinkies are going to make their way back to store shelves. Prince Fielder expected on the disabled list the following day.
Ex-Patriot games: The Aaron Hernandez joke “He’s going to go from a tight end to a wide receiver” is tasteless. He is going to prison. He is going to be intercoursed in his butt. Let’s have some respect.
More Hernandez: Police have returned to the home of Aaron Hernandez reportedly searching for anyone willing to coach the Boston Celtics.
Even More Hernandez: It turns out that Aaron Hernandez may get charged with two more murders. Typical Patriots move running up the score.
Stupor-man: In NBA free agency news, teams are lining up to woo Dwight Howard, hoping he’ll be the superstar to cripple their financial resources and disappoint their fanbase.
Jacques Strap: Chicago won the Stanley Cup, and when they returned home, there was a parade – though the “Blackhawks celebration” should not be confused with the adult event in Vegas with a similar sounding name.
Slippery when wet: Paula Deen’s publisher dropped her latest book – because it was covered in butter (and racism).
Yeah, brother: Brook Hogan is engaged to a Dallas Cowboy. Insiders speculate he will break off the engagement once he finds her penis.
More Hogan: I guess that Supreme Court decision came down just in time!
Reading allowed: Jessica Simpson had her second baby. Sources say that both the babies have already read more books than Jessica has and are ready to parent themselves.
Blown away: For Fathers’ Day Kim Kardashian gave Kanye West a Steve Jobs-signed Apple mouse. Not the usual kind of jobs she gives out.
Boy troubles: Rihanna and Chris Brown have broken up again. Rihanna told Chris Brown to hit the road. The road has since been hospitalized.