The hottest topics for the week of August 5, 2012 …
Giving back: Charlie Sheen, a lifelong Cincinnati Reds fan, pledged to donate $50,000 to the team’s Community Fund. Of course it’s $50,000 worth of gently used porn DVDs.
Home sweet home: The Indians lost nine games in a row on the road. Who would ever have imagined things could be better in Cleveland?
Fire sale: The Phillies traded away Shane Victorino and Joe Blanton. They are dumping anyone they can. Seriously, you gotta get in on this. I just picked up Placido Polanco for $5 and a half-eaten cheeseburger I found behind a dumpster.
You’re outta here: A minor league umpire ejected the PA guy from a game for playing “Three Blind Mice.” Then things got crazy and he ejected a concession guy for yelling, “Nuts!”
Self-inflicted: Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Colby Rasmus has been out of action for a few games because he strained his groin. Sounds to me like maybe he had too much action.
More Rasmus: The real concern here with Colby is that he’ll miss even more games due to going blind.
Aggressive stance: Bryce Harper broke his bat in half when he pounded it on home plate. He then submitted paperwork to become Ozzie Guillen.
We have a problem: The Houston Astros’ month of July was the fifth-worst performance in baseball history. More like Ass-tros. Am I right?
Breaking bad: Apparently, recovering alcoholic Josh Hamilton has been struggling in games because he’s dealing with giving up chewing tobacco. Maybe time to rethink this, Josh. Frankly, nobody likes a quitter.
The Olympic Games: With 22 medals, Michael Phelps is the highest medal winner in the history of the Olympics. And he has the most medals.
More Olympics: Thought I was watching Olympic fencing until I realized it was a Pawn Stars marathon … See? ‘Cuz “fencing” can mean two things. (Don’t worry, Steve, I won’t tell them who wrote this one.)
If the shoe fits: Former star wide receiver Terrell Owens signed a one-year contract with the Seattle Seahawks. And, since it’s now available, he’s changing his last name to Ochocinco.
Music news: Lady Gaga has announced her next album will be called “ARTPOP” and she stressed that it’s important that the letters in the title be capitalized – though I think we all know who’s capitalizing here.
Mission to Mars: I haven’t been this excited about a robot visiting a strange world since Madonna adopted that African kid.
Off-topic: Okay, so, Chik-Fil-A doesn’t support gay marriage, but McDonald’s won’t let me order a McGriddle after 10:30 am. Who’s the real monster here?
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz