The hottest topics for the week of May 6, 2012 …
And justice for all: After the Phillies’ Cole Hamels admitted he intentionally threw at Bryce Harper, the league retaliated quickly and vengefully – showing they will not stand for this kind of despicable, unsportsmanlike behavior by suspending him for five games. And now Hamels will have to delay his next appearance by one day. Cole Hamels, you’ve been served!
What’s in a name? Giants’ pitcher Guillermo Mota was suspended for 100 games for a positive drug test. This is not surprising at all. Hello! “Mota” is slang for marijuana. Of course, now Steve Cocaine better watch his back.
Alias: The Washington Nationals proclaimed their field “Natitude Park.” This is one of the Nat-stupidest Nat-marketing ideas Nat-ever.
Yu again: Texas Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish lost his first game in Major League Baseball. Yu can’t win them all!
Under new management: The new Dodgers owners’ first order of business was lowering their parking prices by $5. Now they just need to lower their assaults and batteries.
No-no? No duh! The Angels’ Jered Weaver threw a no-hitter last week, but since it was against the Minnesota Twins, it will be officially listed as a two-hitter.
Renaissance men: The Orioles and Red Sox went 17 innings on Sunday, and both teams finished with position players on the mound. Boston outfielder Darnell McDonald gave up a three-run home run for the loss, which immediately made him the top reliever.
Oh, Billy! The “Buckner” baseball sold for over $400,000. It has changed hands several times, and although Buckner would love to have it destroyed, he can’t seem to get his hands on it.
I’ll be back: The Yankees lost closer Mariano Rivera for the season when his knee exploded while shagging fly balls. He vowed to return. Of course he will. He can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Limp wrist: The Nationals’ Jayson Werth broke his wrist diving for a catch and will be out for 12 weeks. I was going to do some stupid joke about how it wasn’t “worth” it for him to dive, but I don’t know, it just seems like it isn’t “worth” it. Boom! Fooled you!
Crash into me: Danica Patrick said she didn’t mean to put Sam Hornish Jr. into the wall at Talladega, but she needed to finish her makeup.
In theaters now: The Avengers opened this weekend, and Hulk-smashed the box office opening weekend record. It’s nice to see an original work in Hollywood being awarded with massive success.
Re-Tweet: Demi Moore updated her Twitter name from @MrsKutcher to @RememberMe?
Party of one: Lost star Matthew Fox was arrested for a DUI on Friday in case you were wondering what he’s been up to lately.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Nick Astrupgaard