Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of June 16, 2013 …
In the dog house: Cleveland Indians pitcher Chris Perez was charged with misdemeanor drug possession after pot was mailed to his home in the name of his dog. It’s pretty obvious this is all a set up by his cat.
More Perez: Chris and his wife pleaded not guilty to the charges and asked the judge to “be cool.”
Brawl I want is you: A total of eight Los Angeles Dodgers and Arizona Diamondbacks were suspended by MLB for a brawl. The suspended players plan to use their free time to reflect on the harm they caused and play Candy Crush.
Oh, captain, my captain: Derek Jeter has resumed baseball activities after being asked to cease his sex-orgy regiment.
Home schooling: The Dodgers triple-A affiliate was involved in a bench-clearing brawl. Another clear example of why parents need to set a better example for their kids.
Bats and balls: Sewage put the A’s and M’s in the same locker room. The game was delayed for 45 minutes because players were grabbing each other’s butts.
Crikey! The Dodgers and Diamondbacks are slated to begin the 2014 season in Australia, because if there’s one thing Australians love, it’s a good old-fashioned rugby fight.
More Australia: It’s all part of Bud Selig’s master plan: making baseball irrelevant.
Yank this: An MRI revealed no new tear in Mark Teixeira’s wrist, but therapy revealed a tear in his heart. Mark just wants to dance.
Pshaw! The Dodgers and Clayton Kershaw are nearing a contract extension, which, given the money they’re already paying everyone else, only amounts to free Dodger Dogs for the 2014 season and a couple AMC movie passes.
More Kershaw: It’s unclear what statistics Kershaw’s agent showed GM Ned Colletti to trick him into thinking Clayton was terrible and worthy of a contract extension.
More Colletti: Buck up, Ned. There are still plenty of ineffective players left in the sea.
School daze: UCLA gave an offer to eighth-grade QB in a hand-written note with the question “do you like us” followed by three boxes: Yes, No and Maybe. The program is hoping he checks “Yes.”
Miss understood: People have been making fun of Miss Utah for being stymied during the Miss USA beauty pageant by a question about the affairs of the world – even though she was actually just reciting Tori Amos lyrics.
Art imitates life: Amanda Bynes claims her recent bizarre behavior is all an act – a Theater of Life performance called “Please Help Me, I’m on Drugs and I Can’t Stop Lying and Being on Drugs.”
Historical fiction: Jay-Z’s new album is titled “Magna Carta Holy Grail.” Be on the lookout for the follow-up EP “Declaration of Independence Liberty Bell Jimmy Hoffa’s Unclaimed Remains.”
This Yust in: Apparently Kanye West’s new album is going to be called Yeezus and it’s causing quite a stir. But I haven’t been paying attention to all this Yeezus stuff – mainly because I’m Yagnostic.
Old folks home: The L.A. Fire Marshal had to shut down a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers concert last weekend because there were too many Rascal Scooters in the building.
Kim and Kanye’s Baby
Kim Kardashian finally gave birth – but no word yet on the size of the litter.
Kim gave birth to a baby girl. She was 20.5 inches long and weighed 7.5 Instagrams.
They haven’t announced the baby’s name yet, but experts guess they’ll probably name her “$$$”
Kim has vowed to not put her baby girl on television. Not until after she does her first sex tape.