Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of January 20, 2013 …
Rest in peace: Last week, former Baltimore Orioles manager and legendary baseball man Earl Weaver passed away while on a cruise ship in the Caribbean – though we can safely assume that Earl is still arguing the grim reaper’s call.
More grim reaper: On the same day, former St. Louis Cardinals Hall of Famer Stan Musial passed away as well. In addition to being one of the greatest baseball players ever, Stan “The Man” gave up a year of his career to fight in World War II – kind of like that time when Alex Rodriguez dated Cameron Diaz.
Even more grim reaper: These things come in threes. Watch your back, Lasorda.
False alarm: San Francisco’s heavyset Pablo Sandoval was hospitalized with what has been described as abdominal pain – turned out it was just a food baby.
Life socks: Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling’s famous blood-stained sock is to be auctioned off. Let’s hope that’s the only sock-with-bodily-fluids he’s selling.
Inside job: Terry Francona’s book claims that the Red Sox owners are concerned with image. Thanks for blowing the lid off that one, Terry. Do us all a favor and do some research on this Lance Armstrong fella. Somethin’ suspicious going on there.
Okay to go: Yankees’ Derek Jeter has been cleared for baseball activity, but he’s still got that rash.
L.A. story: The Dodgers’ Justin Sellers was arrested on Saturday for doing “wheelies” on his motorcycle. Or what Jeff Kent prefers to call “washing my truck.” Get it? Because a bunch of years back Jeff broke his arm and said … never mind.
Beard me: The Giants say heavily bearded pitcher Brian Wilson is unlikely to return to the team – since they just recently handled the last flea infestation he caused.
Extra Innings
AFC chumps: The Patriots were upset by the Ravens in the AFC Championship Game. This was especially tough for quarterback Tom Brady, who now has to watch the Super Bowl at home in his multi-million dollar mansion with his supermodel wife.
More B-more: Ray Lewis and the Ravens totally did an “obstruction of justice” on the Patriots … Right, Ray? wink wink
Harbowl: Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers? Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers? Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers?
Fantasy football: It turned out that the deceased ex-girlfriend of Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o never actually existed. But that’s not stopping Taylor Swift from writing her next album about her.
No means no: When asked about the investigation into sexual assault charges against Michael Crabtree, he responded: “At least she was real!”
Ratings-enhancement: In an interview with Oprah on her OWN network, Lance Armstrong confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs to win his seven Tour de France titles. Millions were stunned to find out the OWN network exists.
More Armstrong: Reports have emerged that kids are now using the LIVESTRONG bracelets to tie off their arms as they inject steroids. Thanks a lot, Lance.
Father knows best: Michael J. Fox said that he would not be cool with his son dating Taylor Swift. He thought it would be a shaky relationship.
Party down: Barbara Walters hospitalized after fall at inauguration party. Too much Purple Drank for Babs … again.
