The hottest topics for the week of July 22, 2012 …
Blockbuster trade: New York made a surprise trade with Seattle – acquiring the Mariners’ 10-time All-Star outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. This is a huge move for the 2007 Yankees.
A body at rest: Red Sox slugger and jovial big guy David Ortiz was put on the disabled list with a strained Achilles tendon – which is odd, because that would imply he actually moved his body.
Milestone: The Tigers’ heavyset Miguel Cabrera just recently hit the 300th home run of his career. He says his favorite part of hitting a home run is coming across home plate – or any plate for that matter.
End of days: Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasberg is approaching his 160-inning limit for the year, which means his season will end in September – just like the Mayans predicted.
Guess who: Roberto Hernandez, who used the false name Fausto Carmona, has finally gotten all of his legal affairs in order and received a visa to return to the United States – under the name Napoleon Dynamite.
Hitting the town: The Yankees’ Robinson Cano had a 23-game hitting streak recently come to an end. There was talk he might threaten Joe DiMaggio’s legendary 56-game streak by some people – who are very bad at math.
Going postal: Cleveland Indians Hall of Famer Larry Doby got a U.S. stamp in his honor. I don’t think it’s going to do that well – mainly because no one really knows who he is and when you lick the stamp, it tastes like Cleveland.
Over the top: The NCAA inflicted heavy sanctions against Penn State University, but they said they would not give the football program the “death penalty.” … However, Joe Paterno wasn’t so lucky.
What’s in a name? Dolphins wide receiver Chad Ochocinco legally changed his name back to the original: Chad Johnson – probably in preparation for his new career in adult films.
Sensitive male: New York Knicks owner James Dolan said they didn’t re-sign Jeremy Lin because he felt “deceived and betrayed.” Well, now he knows how the fans feel.
In theaters now: If I could sum up The Dark Knight Rises in one word, it would be “movie.”
Idle chat: Mariah Carey is joining the judging panel for “American Idol.” It’s a good thing there are two seats available.
Maybe not: At the Teen Choice Awards, Carly Rae Jepsen won Choice Summer Song for her smash hit “Call Me Maybe” – narrowly beating out “The Blood of Power” by the band Dying Fetus.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz