The hottest topics for the week of June 3, 2012 …
Johan Santana: The New York Mets pitcher threw the first no-hitter in the team’s 50-year history. No good joke here, but how about these terrible opening tags: “Johan Solo,” “More like No-han Santana,” “Santana Clause,” “Santana Winds,” and “Black Magic Whoa-Man!”
Draft-day drama: Carlos Correa was the No. 1 pick in the draft by the Houston Astros – making him the highest selection ever to come from Puerto Rico. Also from Puerto Rico: Carlos Beltran, Ivan Rodriguez and “travelers’ diarrhea.”
U.S., eh? Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie was at a mall in Toronto when shots were fired in a food court. Congratulations, Canada! You’re one step closer to being America.
Financially incorrect? TV talk show host Bill Maher revealed he is a minority owner of the Mets. He hopes to use this new everyman platform to continue to rail against the one percent.
Calling it quits: Magglio Ordonez announced his retirement this week, and the White Sox had a small ceremony to honor him – which is a really great way of reminding us all how easy it is to forget that a person ever existed.
It’s about time: The Rockies finally released the aged Jamie Moyer whose batting-practice fastball was getting furiously hammered. But don’t worry about Moyer, he’s already signed up with the AARP.
Conspiracy theory: The recently sold New Orleans Hornets very suspiciously won the NBA Draft Lottery and will get the first pick. Anthony Davis is expected to be the number-one overall selection. His uni-brow is expected to go in round two.
All time greats: Tiger Woods’ win last weekend moved him into a tie on the wins list with Jack Nicklaus. But he still has a long way to go to catch Nicklaus on the poontang list. They didn’t call him the “Golden Bear” for nothing.
Ice, ice baby: The Los Angeles Kings have a 3-0 lead on the New Jersey Devils and are just one win away from bringing the Stanley Cup to sunny Southern California. Suck it, Canada!
Sugar-free: After a lengthy career of constant blows to the head, Shane Mosley announced his retirement from boxing and announced his retirement from boxing.
Back in the grotto: Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner got back together – or as I like to call it: She got a supporting role on The Walking Dead.
Richard Dawson: Survey says … dead.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz